I am surrounded by new love. It is a hard thing to be surrounded by when you feel like you might never be loved again. ( by a significant other ). I am attending one of my closest friends wedding today, and although I am really happy for her, part of me wants to run after her down the aisle yelling "Don't Do It!". Bad, I know. I guess I shouldn't inflict my own insecurities on others but it really sucks not trusting anyone. I don't want to see her or anyone be hurt in the same way that I was.
Yesterday I posted about my hopes for the future, but the reality is that my fears for the future are far more mind consuming. I want to be self-sufficient and independent, but I am afraid to end up alone. I want to look someone in the eyes and know that they love me back, be able to trust again, and have someone to share the greatest moments of life with.
Up until the past few days, I was vowing to myself that I would never allow myself love again, but with the events of the past few weeks I can't see how I could go through life alone. I guess love doesn't exactly need to be a spouse, but I feel like relationships in general are lacking in my life at the moment. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope for me to give love a chance again someday. Or maybe I am just getting caught up in all these feelings of weddings, and romance. Either way, it is scary. I don't know if I can trust again.
I pray that you will be able to trust again. Time will be a great help in your readjusting, although time is what we get impatient about. I am so proud of who you are and what goals you have set up for yourself. You are stronger than you think...I see it more everyday than anyone!
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
For the past year or so, the only relationship I've had is with my husband. I'm far away from my friends and family, and we don't talk often. Sometimes I feel like he's the only person in the world that knows me, even though I know it isn't true. I'm so grateful to have him and that we love each other so much, but I miss having other people care about me too.
ReplyDeleteTrust is a funny thing. In order for you to trust someone else, it often requires you to trust yourself first. The voice inside us that's the loudest is the voice of "resistance", the one that seems to always be saying "You suck, you're worthless, you're too dumb, you're too quiet, you're shy, you're unqualified, you're not (fill in the blank with some potential fear). But what we have to do is shake that voice and not listen, we have to choose action, and our own destiny. The trouble with sometimes listening to other people (like you are by reading this right now) is that you start to believe what people tell you you "are".
ReplyDeletePeople you should be able to trust have been telling you your whole life that you're too shy, you're too quiet, you're not a good student, you're scared, you're whatever. But all that is just bull crap and is not true. It's just their own fears projected on you. Unhealthy for sure.
You know you better than anyone, you even say so in the title of your blog that beneath the layers of what you've been told you are you are an action oriented, responsible, disciplined, self-controlled extrovert. Let you out. That's the you I want you to be, and when you can do that, and trust yourself. Then people will get to know the real you that I know.
I love you awesome head.
It's a cliche, and it's cheesy, but love can be all around you. It can be friends and family too, and sometimes that's really all you need.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved by your family very deeply. Your brother and Maria care very deeply about you as do your close friends. We all know how bright, how focused you are and you are currently on track for a great career that you will find challenging and enjoyable creating special dishes for food loving people.
ReplyDeleteMr right will come along when you are ready, and you will recognize him as someone who really cares about you, is interested in you and what you love to do and wants to share in that enthusiasm for life. He will want you to be happy and successful, not control you and mold you to his expectations.
You are beautiful, smart, creative, and very talented please don't sell yourself short. You can do anything you set your mind to. Only you can stop yourself from doing what you want.
Love you!!