On Week One

One week of my first term of culinary school down, ten to go. This last week has been a stressful one, but it is one of the best weeks I have had in a long time. The stress of new surroundings, new people, and a wealth of information outlined for us to learn has definitely left me feeling like I just ran a marathon. However, the best thing about marathons is that endorphin rush you get from it. I was pushed in ways that I haven't been pushed in months. I was pushed socially, physically, and mentally, but it left me hungry for more. I can feel myself improving in all of those aspects in just a few days.

One of the things that I have enjoyed the most is learning about the little details in cooking that differentiate a home cook from a chef. Details that range from the presentation, knife cuts, or to the way you build levels of flavor. There are a ton of little details that make a world of difference and I am enjoying every second of learning about it. For those of you that think that culinary school is easy, you are very wrong. There is homework and research papers just like any other major except you also risk the chance of losing the tip of a finger or getting a third degree burn. It is also not recommended that you don't do homework on an empty stomach because it will most likely make you extremely hungry.

Well, that is my brief synopsis of my first week. Can't wait to see what next week has in store.

The Day Has Come

It is finally here. Day one of Culinary school. Although it is only a lecture class today, I can hardly contain my excitement. I have been waiting for this day for so long and I can't believe it is finally here.

I have the familiar first day of school jitters, (yes, I am 5 years old. ) and lucky for me my mind likes to imagine worst case scenario's before I even get there. What if I am late? What if I forget something? What if I do something horribly embarrassing? I guess a lot of my fear comes from not knowing what to expect. Fear of the unknown- which will hopefully cease by the end of the day.

The best part about today is that I feel like this is the start of a new chapter in my life. I don't know what the next chapter holds but I am looking forward to seeing how it unfolds. Cheers to a new chapter, and hope that I don't embarrass myself!

I Wasn't Always So Fearful

Skateboard competition in Fresno

There was a time in my life when I wasn't so afraid of everything. I may have even seemed fearless at times. I was still a bit of a social outcast and was never the life of the party, or outgoing by any means but I knew who I was, and at some point in the last few years I have completely lost that.   

Look at that crowd. I had the best fans....

I was never afraid of the boys

I wasn't full of confidence then, but I had more than I have now. I was still able to fight off the fear of what people thought of me. I was shy, but I didn't care. I just did my thing. Playing sports helped me forget that I was shy. There was no room for a lack of confidence on your board, or on the field. I was far from timid and may have even been called aggressive-I didn't even have to talk. 

Now, unfortunately as an adult people automatically expect you to be able express yourself in other ways than skateboarding and slide-tackling. I am so awkward in person ya'll. It is really hard for me to get a job because people see me as being stuck-up, dumb, and lacking confidence. These are all of the things an employer does not want to hire. I am so terrified of how I present myself, and what people's impressions of me are that I am afraid to do anything concerning people that don't already know me. There are so many things I want to do but am too afraid. 

I want to go on group runs with the people from the local running store, make new friends, run more races, carry on conversations with people, have a good job interview that actually lands me a job, and find some confidence. 

I only have one life, and the events of the last few weeks have shown me that it is in fact very short, and the way you live it could determine your happiness in the end. 

I need to stop being so afraid. 

Elbow Deep

My hands are finally starting to heal, but it still stings when I juice a citrus fruit of choice. Being a dishwasher is no joke. I was only washing dishes for a week but I have the battle wounds of seasoned veteran. Blades will indeed cut you- especially when they are hiding at the bottom of the sink filled with dirty dish water. The strange thing is that I somewhat enjoyed dish washing. If I was getting paid for it, it wouldn't be bad. It fit me and my social retardedness quite well. Washing dishes is a system that takes learning in order for you to be efficient, but once you get it down, it is pretty simple. I was able to learn the system, and produce awesomely clean dishes in a fast and orderly manner. All of this without having to deal with a single customer. The best part about dish washing is that you don't have to deal with customers, and you can just do your thing and be left alone. As much as I enjoyed dishwashing I wasn't exactly a fan of doing it for free.

I was supposed to be working at a pretty well known local restaurant/cafe here in town. I got home from Germany on a Wednesday and started work at 6am on Friday...only to be told at the end of the day that I would be an intern for them while they trained me and would re-evaluate me in two weeks. This news sucked..but I was willing to wait it out and decided it was worth it just to learn how the kitchen operates, how the food is prepared and so on...but everyday after that I spent my days elbow deep in dishwater. If the "Chef" did decide she wanted to teach me something she talked to me like I was retarded. If she wanted me to cut broccoli she would teach me how to cut broccoli...step, by step. If I had to use a food processor, she would teach me how to plug it in, how to put the lid on, and how to turn it on. Trying to let her know I was completely capable of these things was impossible, she simply didn't listen. When she  spent too much time teaching me how to plug in appliances, cut vegetables, and pick my nose she would get flustered and stressed that nothing would get done. All I could think about was the dishes that were piling up on the sink...knowing I would have to rush to catch up and get them washed. 

Another disappointment is that I had always loved this place because I thought that their food and baked goods were all homemade and of superior quality. ( It should be for the prices! ).  To my disappointment, not only is their food not the highest of quality, but most of their baked goods come in a bucket. They order their muffins, and scones pre-mixed or made and scooped them into muffin tins and sold them off as made from scratch. Their sticky buns are made from frozen pastry dough layered with butter and sugar and then rolled and baked. 

There is an on-going joke with the rest of the kitchen staff as well about how the "chef" prides herself in her food and recipes that she calls her own but then when it comes to preparing the day's food she pulls out The Joy of Cooking and bakes or cooks straight from it. She has recipe books filled with ripped out pages from magazines. How can she call these "her own" recipes? 

Another observation that I made that could potentially be a bit more serious is how she prepares and stores her "Gluten Free" baked goods. She creates "her own" mix of gluten free flour but the problem is that she uses the same equipment and instruments for her gluten free goods as her regular gluten containing products. This might produce just the slightest amount of gluten contamination but for real celiacs this could be dangerous. Even foods sold in the grocery store can not carry a gluten free label if they were manufactured on the same equipment as gluten containing foods. She needs to be more careful or at least let people know that there is a slight risk of contamination. 

Frustrations aside, I ended my "internship" on good terms. ( unless they read this blog ) For once in my life I actually had the balls to speak up and talk to them about the situation. The chef said she wanted to potentially have me as a prep cook but that they just didn't have it in the budget to pay me, and when they did it would only be a couple days a week. So who knows how long I would have been their free dishwasher. 

Long story short... I am now back to job searching. I will miss the kitchen staff though. I really liked the people that worked there, but there was a lot of drama...I don't even know how much longer they will be there. 

Let the search begin. 

Acting Stupid

Sometimes I let on like I know less than I know. I guess you could call it "acting stupid" but I assure you that it is purely accidental. Unfortunately, acting stupid whether on purpose or accidental doesn't really get you where you want to be in life.

I started my new job last Friday at a little eatery in town called Tsuda's. I am helping in the mornings with baking, and washing dishes (mostly dishes)..and pretty much anything that they need. Minus the new job nerves it went quite well. I enjoy the people, the atmosphere, and everything about it. Everyone is really nice, and willing to help out the new kid. The only hurdle I can't get over is my lack of confidence.

I will be in training for a couple of weeks (unpaid) until I get used to the ropes. My only fear is that they will find that I am not cut out for the kitchen due to my lack of a backbone. I was training with another new girl who is about to graduate from Le Cordon Bleu's baking and pastry program. I definitely felt under qualified. She was sweet, always willing to help me and I am really thankful that she made me feel really comfortable...however, this also allowed me to play dumb.

Tsuda's specializes in gluten free baked goods, vegan baked goods, and just overall deliciousness. What I failed to portray was the fact that I know more about baking than they think. Especially about gluten-free baking- something they don't cover in great detail in culinary school. I have done a lot of my own experimentation and research when it comes to gluten free baking, bread baking, vegan baking...everything. But for some reason I feel the need to act like I know nothing. I guess one of my biggest fears is coming off like an annoying cocky "know it all". I definitely don't know it all but I know something. I need to grow a backbone, learn to communicate (easier said than done ) and let on that I have at least some knowledge if I want to be handed less dishes and more responsibility.

My biggest downfall is always second guessing myself. Even with everyday tasks that I wouldn't even think about if I was doing it at home. I can separate egg whites with my eyes closed at home, but at work I was afraid to mess something up and looked like a moron. I have a hard time telling the difference between being cocky,and from being confident. Whenever I try on the confidence coat I always feel like a cocky asshole. But maybe that is what you need to make it in a kitchen?

Food is my passion, and I know there is no place I would rather be than in the kitchen. This is what I want to do for my career and will do everything I can to improve in all aspects of life in order to get where I want to be. Praying for confidence. Help me God.

Was It All A Dream?

It's my first day back in California...and it feels like I just woke up from an extremely long dream...

My dream in review...



Starts off with some shrooms



Enchanted forests



Noble steeds


Winter wonderland


Toon town?




Castles



rainbows



God?



Kill rooms...wake up time.


It is good to be back, and I am streaming Hulu, and Pandora simultaneously just because I can. ( These are not available in Germany ). I am also experiencing jet lag at its finest and can't think if my life depended on it. The side affect is pronouncing all my w's with a V sound, and blurred vision. So for now enjoy my trip in review.


Oh California how I missed you.

29 Days

There are 29 days left until I return back to the good old U.S.A. Which seems like a lot considering I mis-calculated (or mis-Googled because I am way too lazy to actually calculate anything ) the other day and thought I had only 26 days left to go...making today only 24. Nope. 29. Thanks a million Google for making me actually do math. I barely have enough energy to write this blog after having to figure out that equation.

Anyways... you might be wondering why I am returning to the States. Perhaps just for a visit? Well yes, if you consider a year a visit. Truth is I am not really sure how everything is going to pan out in the end because a lot of things tend to happen in a year but the plan so far is that I will be attending Culinary school and then return to Germany upon completion. Of course there are a few things that could weigh in on future plans. Those things would be the time frame in which I complete culinary school, jobs, money, etc. etc. you get the point.

So now to the big question that I get asked every time I discuss my newest life endeavor. What about your husband? Great question. He will be here, doing what he does now...except without me moping around
with nothing to do. I get it folks, a year is a long time, and yes I get that you probably think that I am being a selfish bitch for leaving...the weird thing is I am actually okay with that. Okay, so I am not %100 okay with that thought- considering through out this whole experience one of my biggest lessons learned is never to judge anyone without knowing what it is like to be in their shoes. I could go off on a huge tangent right now but I will spare you before this becomes a rant.

It seems like a rather bold and unnecessary move to make...leaving Germany and going to culinary school and all..but I guess you could describe it as an Eat Pray Love moment. You know...the moment where Elizabeth Gilbert gets up in the middle of the night and cries on the bathroom floor thinking how much she doesn't want to be living the life she is living? Alright, so it wasn't quite that dramatic. If I woke up in the middle of the night and laid on the bathroom floor crying I would find myself face first in a pair of dirty boxer briefs and I am not divorcing my husband or going to India. The concept of finding myself is a long the same lines however. I need to find myself, and I don't want to let my dreams just be dreams. Going to culinary school has been a dream of mine for a long time and I don't think I could live with myself if I never sought it out. Better now than when I am in my 30's barefoot and pregnant right? At least I am not abandoning any children.

Just so there is no confusion- I love Germany. It is beautiful here and I in no way, shape, or form, have any  problems with the country or the people. In fact, I made more German friends than I did with other American military spouses. All through the internet of course ( in true Amber fashion ). They were a great help in trying to get me acquainted with their country, and get me signed up for the marathon here that I have been training for..yet am leaving 3 days before. My real problem lies in the fact that I suck at being outgoing enough to really fit into this military community. I applied to jobs with no luck, and it doesn't help that a lot of the spouses have been here together for a few years now. I am the new kid in class. The weird one that no one wants to play with unless they are given some sort of incentive or forced by the teacher.

Although it is not in the best of circumstances I am really looking forward to finally getting to go to culinary school. I feel selfish for making such a huge decision as this, but at the same time I feel brave.

If you have never seen Eat Pray Love..check out this trailer. Then go see it.