Sunshine Makes The World a Better Place

I can’t believe it. I think I may be dreaming. There is a beam of sunlight shining through my window for the second day in a row. It’s marvelous.
There is something about sunshine that makes the world a better place. It makes me want to picnic on a hill of freshly cut green grass  with with my three straight Dad’s from San Francisco (right..mmmhmm)  and Comet too of course…ok so maybe I have just been watching too much Full House.




There really is something about this weather  that makes cheesy childhood shows a little more tolerable and appropriate in adult life. Maybe it creates a short term illusion of being worry free. It gives me visions of what I would like to do on this sunny day but in reality I will probably spend most of it packing. Which, in my childhood days all I would have to worry about packing was my blanket, and stuffed animals…which I seem to have successfully done because my parents house is still loaded with them.
The episode of Full House I was watching just ended…sad day.       ( the Yankee Doodle Dandy episode ) Now I am watching How it’s Made… Did you know it takes 4 days to make a jaw breaker?

Saved by The Bell

As predicted I survived another Friday class, but I didn't come out completely unscathed.  I am still recovering from the adrenaline overflow. I had to go through 4 hours of head throbbing, and heart pounding hell. We spent the last two hours of class going row, by row, awaiting our turn to teach. My mind spent most of that time fixed on the clock hoping that my  back row selection would save me from humiliation, and I know my fellow back row warriors were thinking the same thing. I was only 3 turns away when the clock struck 1:00 and it was time to leave. Saved by the bell..but I know next time I will not be so lucky. Sure, not everyone may think it is such a big deal  but this is where my social retardation kicks in and for whatever reason my mind/body reacts in a "you are going to die" kind of way...which leaves me feeling exhausted when it is all over.

Although I was exhausted, I managed to find the courage to stop in at a local personal training studio called Guiding Fitness on the way home. I scored a chance to shadow the trainer who owns it so now I can get some hands on experience. She was really willing to teach me what she could, and even said that she will try to throw me some clients somewhere down the line to make me some money, and left me with some words of wisdom. “Try not to be so shy.” Damn, I thought I was being outgoing. She saw right through me, my cover was blown.

I finally got home at about 2:30 and after a pre-class run, and two straight hours of aerobics, I was famished. I ate pretty much everything in sight, and turned on the TV to watch Dr. Oz. Before I knew it I woke up to Oprah saying her goodbyes…it was 5:00. I had passed out for two whole hours. Oops. I never nap so this was out of the ordinary for me.

I spent the rest of my evening on the couch with Eric. We ended up popping popcorn and watching Paranormal Activity. Creepy movie…a little too creepy for Eric, but seeing him act like a little girl was especially entertaining. Good times :)

So readers, I am asking for your help. What is it that gives you your self confidence?

Anxious

Despite my best efforts, I have once again let anxious thoughts flood my mind. It's Friday, and to me this means only one thing: Class of Hell. Yes, the class where I get to joyfully jazzercise my way to humiliation.

I was a good student last week and went out and bought a Yoga mat that we were required to bring to class which we never ended up using of course, my luck. This week she wanted us to bring something called a Tune Belt. If you do not know what a Tune Belt is then here it is...

 This high tech peice of equipment ( note my sarcasm ) will put me out another 20.00. Really? College is expensive enough as it is. I can't even afford a belt to hold up my pants, let alone a belt to hold a microphone receiver. Unfortunately I will have to be the bad student this week. I will admit I am a little nervous that I will be harshly punished and put in a corner with a dunce cap...but would literally not having 20.00 be a good enough exscuse?

On another note, my free hours of music on Pandora just ran out. This day is going to be fantastic. I can feel it!

Sorry For the Delay

You might have noticed ( emphasis on might ) that I didn’t write a blog today…well that is because I was too busy working on my homework. As predicted I procrastinated until the morning before class to get it done. Getting past the writers block was kind of tough but if you are interested in what I came up with here it is…let me know your thoughts/suggestions I welcome constructive criticism so be honest.

Along The Shores of Canine Affection

As I sat staring at the rain, I felt a sudden nudge against my hand. Startled by a cold sensation I quickly turned my head only to see a wave of red tongue heading in my direction.  It rolled toward me with unstoppable force as it engulfed my face leaving only my ears untouched. I had been involuntarily washed up along the shores of canine affection.  I quickly wiped off my saliva drenched face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and looked at him with disgust.  Head tilted, he looked at me with dark glossy eyes while his oversized ears stood at attention.  “What?” I asked him. He let out a high pitch whine as his tail started to wag.   His playful swagger masked his large muscular stature and his shiny shark like teeth were easily forgotten.  He carefully batted at me with his paw, crouched down into play position and began chasing his tail like it was some sort of unforeseen imposter. Feeling nearly hypnotic I watched him run circles around the room and create a dust cloud of white fur. I couldn’t help but laugh as he carelessly raced through the house panting, and snorting. His happiness was surely infectious, and I knew it time to play.

Fears

Yesterday, I posted the quote ""Many complain of their own laziness, but laziness, like money, doesn't really exist except to represent something else." In case you didn't read yesterday's blog...I found this quote in my journal that I wrote two years ago. I wasn't sure why I originially wrote it down, but I thought it was meant to be found to help me fight my packing procrastination. I now realize why I wrote it down, and that it has a completely different meaning to it. I definitely need to fight the urge to procrastinate on packing up all my crap, but the true meaning of this quote was to represent procrastination in my writing.

In my creative non-fiction class yesterday, we were sent home with an assignment. Our assignment was to write about something that inspires us, describe it in detail, and make it appealing to all senses. We can use 1st person, 3rd person, present or past tense, it just has to stay consistant. Not too difficult right? The assignment itself is not difficult, but the barrier I have set up in my mind is extremely hard to break through. I can't think of what to write about, how to write it, and am terrified of writing something absolutely horrible. Knowing me, I will drive myself nuts and not get it done until tomorrow morning before class. So like the quote says laziness does not exist except to represent something else... in my case laziness represents fear which then translates into writers block.

How do you overcome your fears? In life, or in writing?

Boxed up Memories

I finally started packing yesterday. It is time for me to start saying my goodbyes to Lincoln for I only have a few more weeks here. I will soon be living back in Auburn with my parents, and Eric will be leaving for bootcamp March 1st. It is crazy how fast time went by. It seems like just yesterday we moved into this place, and now we are moving out. I have been dreading having to go through the moving process once again, having to pack, clean, and stress...oh joy.

While packing some of my crap up yesterday I learned that I have a little bit of hoarder in me. I was trying to pack things up as organized as possible so that I could easily unpack it later...but I found myself struggling to throw unnecessary items away. I don't know if you have ever watched the show Hoarders on A&E but I was starting to terrify myself.  Visions of the crazy lady who had so much garbage in her house that they found 3 cat skeletons began to haunt my thoughts.  Okay, so I'm not that bad..but I did end up wasting a large amount of time going through old stuff that I had some sort of emotional attachment to.

I started looking through my old yearbooks, and found a few pictures. My biggest question is why didn't anyone tell me how much of a loser I was? Someone should of done me a favor and smacked me across the face. Then again, I could look back on today 5 years from now and think the same thing. If you are wondering how cool I was in high school I will give you a little peek inside my yearbook.

Yes, I played soccer...here was our team page in the yearbook...

Awesome right? Let's zoom in a bit for a better look...

 

Oh look who it is over here in the left hand corner...yep that's me in all my uh..glory. They had to pick this picture right? Yes..this is just how cool I was.

 

It is crazy how much we can change in just a few years, and I know I still have a lot of changing to do. I also found some of my old journals. I couldn't help but flip through them and find out what I was doing on this very day only years ago.  Two years ago I wrote down  a quote that says "Many complain of their own laziness, but laziness, like money, doesn't really exist except to represent something else." I am not really sure what compelled me to write this down two years ago, but I would say it is still pretty applicable to my life today. Guess that means I should stop being a lazy procrastinator.

Are you a procrastinator? If so, how do you force yourself to overcome procrastination?

California Exposed

If you are not from California, you may expect it to look something like this. Warm, sunny, filled with palm trees, and movie stars. In some places it may look like this but here is my reality... 

 Still beautiful, but far from the fantasized picture of California. It is cold and rainy, there are no beaches, no movie stars, and palm trees are few and far in between.

I am not saying that California is not all it's worked up to be, but instead I would like to bring to attention the side of California that is often times forgotten. That's all for today.

Living a Nightmare

Now that I have had a day or so two unwind and deal with a bout of post traumatic stress,  I will try and collect my scattered thoughts and tell you how my group exercise instruction class went. You will have to forgive my scattered thoughts because I tend to sort of black out when it comes to extremely nerve racking social situations but...well let's just say it was just like this nice video below.... x100.



Yes, it was just like this, and in no way am I exaggerating. Not only did I expect Richard Simmons to prance into class at any second,  the teacher would randomly select students to teach by pulling them up front, stripping them of their dignity,  and strapping a michrophone to their head. I was terrified, and was sure I would freeze like a deer in the headlights if I was selected. My head felt like it was being squeezed by a vice, my heart was pounding, and my stomach created a boyscout knot in my intestines. I could feel sweat start to pool in my armpits, and the "flight or fight" response was in overdrive. My eyes remained fixed on the clock, and the glowing exit sign over the doorway. I didn't think the class was ever going to end.

Finally, we took our last awkward dance steps and the world's longest class came to an end.  I somehow made it through 4 hours without being selected to teach but I was not out of the woods yet. While the instructor found a way to keep us even longer than 4 hours, she warned us that we would all be teaching the class next Friday and to be prepared. All of us? Me? Teach the class in aerobic dance? Are you freaking kidding me? I would feel dumb doing aerobic dance exercise by myself in a dark room let alone in front of 35 people.

I am trying to think of ways to stay positive. I know that I am not the only one that is afraid of looking like a dumbass...and eventually we will move on to other forms of group exercise...like aqua aerobics..so basically it is dance aerobics only instead of feeling exposed and naked up front teaching a class..you are already pretty much naked...oh yes don't be jealous. The only upside I can think of at this moment is that eventually we will get to learning how to teach spinning. This, I think I can handle...but who knows when that will be. Good Lord what did I get myself into? How am I going to survive the rest of the semester?

Creative Constipation

About 2 and a half years ago I fell in love with painting. It was a great creative outlet and I couldn't seem to get enough of it. There was something strangely exciting about creating what I saw in my mind, and being able to put in on a canvas for others to see.  I painted frequently, whenever I felt inspired, or just needed a place for my mind to wander to.

Here are some of my paintings...

                                                             

 

                                                                                         

Unfortunately, about a year ago I began to develop a horrible case of creative constipation. I could no longer shut my mind off, and my imagination was polluted with anxiousness and the voice of my harsh inner critic. I completely stopped painting, until 6 months ago I gave it another try. This is what I came up with...

As you can see I was not exactly successful. Yes, that is a dog...sniffing its crap, while the bird watching the dog is pooping.  I think my subconscious was trying so hard to un-constipate itself all that came out on my painting was crap. Literally. White canvas's now terrify me, and even though I have 3 perfectly good canvases in the other room calling my name I can't find the courage to pick up a paint brush and get started. Is there some sort ex-lax for creative constipation?

Have you ever suffered from creative constipation? If so, how did you get over it?

Oh Joy

It's dark, cold, and dreary in my house right now and I am finding myself hesitant to head outside for an early morning run. I am tempted to stay inside and keep warm but I know that a pre-class run is a must. My class doesn't start until 9:00am, but I am already dreading it. Not only is it 4 hours long, it is the class on group exercise instruction.

I don't plan on being a group exercise instructor, but it is a required class in order for me to get my certificate as a personal trainer/nutrition specialist. I have a feeling that this could help me break out of my shell a little bit but no one really willingly wants to step out of their comfort zone, or submit to unintended exposure therapy. I suppose it is for the best...and hey maybe there is a chance I will like it..but as you can see up top, that is my textbook. Judging the book by it's cover, I am not too sure that enjoyment will be the outcome...unless I get an awesome headset microphone.

What is a class you had to take that you absolutely detested? Did you end up liking it? Hating it? Dropping it?

Fashion Sense

If I could pick just one picture to describe my life... or at least my closet, this would be it. I wish wholeheartedly that I had some sort of fashion sense, but if you know me well you know that this is something I have struggled with my whole life. Perhaps it is not really that I don't know what is fashionable, but I struggle with #1 the money to afford such clothes, and #2 not wanting to wear clothes unless they are comfortable and functional. Growing up as a tomboy and living around boys most of my life,  I learned that unless the clothes I wore allowed me to run, tackle, slide, jump, kick, or punch, then these clothes were unfit to wear.

I no longer live in a neighborhood of boys, or have to spontaneously play roller hockey in the street, but the comfortable/functional clothing idea still remains. If I need to run, I want to be able to, if I have to sit for a long time, I want to be comfortable, if it is cold, I want to be warm, if I am challenged to a push-up contest I want to be able to drop down ( without a cleavage show ) and kick some ass. ( I know...who even thinks of that right? ).

So here is what you may see me wearing on a regular day basis...

Shoes

 

Pants

Shirt/sweatshirt

The complete ensemble

I know, it is far from fashionable, but it passes all my comfort/functional tests. I can run, it is comfortable to lounge in, it's warm, and I can kick ass in a push-up contest. ( Yes, I really have accomplished this task in this outfit.)

I may never be a fashionista, but I do have a bit of  an itch to change up my style somewhere in the near future. Getting mistaken for Juno MacGuff is starting to get a little old, and well...quite frankly I smell like soup and am so over Bleaker.

What are your bad fashion habits? Or, if you happen to be a fashion expert..do you have any tips?

Blogger Award #1

 

 First of all I would like to thank Amanda over at La Blondie Peruana for giving me the "Happy 101" Blogger award, which is also my first award.

Now I will stop slacking and fulfill my necessary duties!

"Happy 101" Blogger Award!

The Rules:

*List 10 things that make you happy

*Pass the award on to 10 bloggers that brighten your day

1. Running - I don't know that I would be able to function without it. 

2. Go Girls- My source of caffeine... I definitely wouldn't be able to function without it.

3. Honey Bunches of Oats- I am addicted to this cereal, and my morning would definitely not 
be the same without it. It is like lucky charms for grown ups, but instead of fishing the little marsh mellows out of the box, I fish out the little sugar filled oat bunches. 

4. Eric ( my husband )- Life would definitely be empty without him, and I don't know what I would do without the midnight entertainment of sleep talking/walking. 


5. Hanging out with my brother -We have so much fun together. Unfortunately, I don't get to hang out with him nearly as much as I would like because he lives on the other side of the country.

6. Spending time with my Mom- Whether it is trying new restaurants, taking cooking classes together, seeing new movies, we always have a good time. 

7. Hiking with my Dad- I love spending time outdoors with my Dad, especially hiking and taking pictures..except I am jealous of his camera.

8. Cooking- I enjoy eating the finished product of something I make ( whether it is good..or just plain horrible), but sometimes the process of just cooking a meal is even more enjoyable.


9. Learning- It simply just makes me happy to learn new things.

10.  The beach on a sunny day. When I hear the term "go to your happy place" I automatically picture the beach. More specifically Pismo Beach, on a sunny day, with all of my family. I really don't know that it could get much better than that. 


10 Bloggers that brighten my day-


Cheryl- Confessions of a Twenty Something Year Old 
Sarah Von- Yes and Yes 
Paul - Travels With Paul 
Ashley- Germato 
M - Blackberries to Apples 
Michelle - Oh, Mishka 
Chicken - Tales From The Chicken Coop: A Day in the Life of Mrs. Chicken 


Alright so I am breaking the rules a little bit... as you can see I did not meet my 10 blogger quota because #1 well i'm lame, you should know that...and I am still discovering the wonderful world of blogging. If I am lucky enough to receive another blogger award hopefully I will have 10 bloggers to pass it onto by then.

Day One Complete

The first day of the semester is officially over, and thankfully it seemed relatively quick and painless. However, I  was a little bitter that parking permits went up from $1.00 to $2.00 a day. College just doesn't cost enough already right? I feel like a bully is picking me up by my ankles and ravenously taking the money that falls from my pockets...followed by an atomic weggie, swirly, or any other after school bully special.

On a more positive note, after realizing that not having an umbrella for my seemingly endless journey to class would surely lead to drenched hair, wet jeans, and shoe puddle accumulation, I managed to get through the day without fulfilling my worst fears. Not only did I find my class right away, I was also on time, found a seat with no problem and didn't embarrass myself. ( That I am aware of ).

So far I am really looking forward to this semester. My teachers are great, and the classes will be challenging, but fun at the same time. I can't wait to learn new things, and see what the rest of the school year has in store for me.

Although I escaped an embarrassing moment yesterday, I was not always so lucky...What are some of your embarrassing school moments? I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours!

Today's The Big Day

The big day is finally here, it's the first day of school for the semester. I am excited, but nervous at the same time. My first class doesn't start until 11:00am but I've already got butterflies. You would think that by the time I was 23 I would have gotten over the nervousness of the first day of school. Nope. On the outside I may look like a 23 year old ( or an 18 year old depending on the day ) but on the inside, I feel as small as I did on this day.....minus the plaid shorts, awesome blue lunchbox, and pink backpack. Don't overlook my boyish charm.

I think this picture is from the first day of third grade. If only I had my big brother with me now. We are twins by the way...( just kidding ) His lunchbox was way cooler...literally.  I think it's the same one they use for transplant organs.

Normally I would treat my nervousness by killing off some butterflies with a morning run but I am not sure that is going to happen considering the wind sounds like it is going to pick up my house and end up in the Magical Land of Oz. Although that doesn't sound half bad right now...

I know once I get to school, my nervousness will tone down. It is the pre-class jitters that are the worst..and the fact that I just received an e-mail from my English professor saying to bring a pen and paper because there will be a short writing prompt. ( I'm taking a non-fiction creative writing class ) Writing prompt? On the first day?  I like to write, hence my reason for taking the class but a prompt on the first day will be rough. It's almost like having to stand up in front of class and introduce myself. I worry enough about #1 finding my class, #2 being on time, #3 finding a seat because classes are always packed the first day, and of course #4 doing something embarrassing.

How do you calm your nerves before a nerve racking situation?

Developing Relationships

I just partook in my new breakfast special.  Mmmm Ibuprofen... delicious, and so not nutritious. You would think I was eating Rice Krispies for breakfast because all I hear when I get out of bed is snap, crackle, and pop. Unfortunately I am still having some problems with my hip..or pelvis, or whatever the heck it is that hurts. I wasn't sure what to expect after turning 23, but I didn't know I was going to slowly but surely begin to fall apart.

I suppose there was one good thing to come out of turning 23 and that is my developing love for my new bike a.k.a. The Pink Panther ( I know, original huh? ) and for cycling.

Here she is...

 My love for cycling is kind of like an arranged marriage. If I was not forced into it because of an injury, I may have never discovered my love for it, and the love that is still developing.

Before I was injured, and I was solely just running, I saw cycling as lazier form of running that required a costly piece of equipment. But who knew it could be so fun? I will admit, I was skeptical when I first saw my new bike. It's shiny pink paint glistened in the sunlight with confidence, while it's large, but skinny wheels pronounced it's delicacy. I grabbed the curled, unfamiliar feeling handlebars and hopped on the soft, yet Va Jay Jay suffocating seat ( thanks Oprah ). Will I grow to love this as much as running?

My question was quickly answered after the first spin I took around the block. I couldn't help but smile as I felt the wind blow in my face and over my back as I crouched down into racing position. Did I love it as much as running? No, not yet, but just like any relationship ( yes even a running relationship ) it takes time. I am still getting to know my bike, but I am beginning to love it more, and more each time I ride it. Now for the big question. Where do I see this relationship going?

Maybe here?
http://www.auburntriathlon.com/duathlon/duathlonindex.shtml
 

What ya think? Could I do it?

Bucket List

I have been seeing a lot of blog posts lately containing people's bucket list's ( a list of things to do before you kick the bucket a.k.a die...)  So it got me thinking... what do I want to accomplish, or do before I die? I don't have a sense, or inkling when I am going to die, but I suppose I might as well get started on a list now. So here it goes.

1. Be self confident

2. Finish my Certification process in becoming a personal trainer.

3. Find a job as a personal trainer, and actually be good at it.

4. Stop having to mooch off others, and be more independent.

5. Play some sort of role in educating people/kids about organics, fitness, and nutrition.

6. Refine my writing skills and write for a fitness magazine of some sort.

7. Write a book

8. Learn to cook healthy meals that taste *great*.

9. Run a marathon

10. Complete a triathlon


11. Have a family, and be a good Mom.

12. Be Happy


This list could contain so much more, but I think I will keep it down to 12 for now. It seems I have written more of a "what I hope to accomplish in 10 years" list rather than what I would like to accomplish before I die ( assuming I will live to reach my senior years ).

What are some of the things you want to do before you die?

Blast From The Past

I don't know what it is about today, but I woke up in a seemingly different world. I could of sworn I woke up to the sound of clanging pots, the smell of pancakes and bacon, (yes, I was once a meat eater) and the tune of my favorite childhood cartoon. (click play below)






It is Saturday morning, and it seems some sort of bed bug has crawled into my head and unlocked my childhood memories.

As a kid, Saturdays could go one of two ways. They could be full of sunshine and fun, or..well, full of chores and video game hangovers. A Good Saturday would depend on a few different factors. There were factors that contributed to an excellent Saturday, and factors that contributed to a not so excellent Saturday.

Positive Factors:

1.You got to have a friend sleep over, and managed to go to bed at a decent time.

2. Not only did you go to bed at a decent time, you didn't make a mess.

3. Your sleep over pal is not getting picked up until later that evening.Yay!

4. Mom is in fact making pancakes. Mmmm no one makes pancakes like Bisquick Mom.

5. Your friend brought their bike. Which means a ride to McDonalds for lunch, enough star thistle and burrs stuck in your socks to make your feet bleed, and an opportunity to show off your mad bike skillz.

6. You don't have any homework to leave for the last minute.

Negative Factors

1. You were not allowed to have a friend sleep over, or none of your friends were allowed to sleep over.

2. You were allowed to have a friend sleep over, but you stayed up all night, and made a mess of your room.

3. You are now required to clean your room.

4. You have a "stayed up all night doing who knows what hangover."

5.  You pissed off your parents in the process.

6. Mom's pancakes were made with anger instead of love.

7.  Your ride to McDonalds for lunch results in stomach cramps, mad diarrhea, and you beef it trying to show off your mad bike skillz.

8. Your friend forgot their bike, or they are lame and just don't have one.

9.  You find yourself consistently asking your "friend" every hour when they are getting picked up.

10. You have a butt load of homework that you "forgot" about until 9:00pm on Sunday night.


There are so many more factors I could add to this list. What are some of the things that could make or break your Saturdays as a kid? What were your favorite shows to watch as a kid?

Just for kicks and giggles I will leave you with some of my favorite Saturday cartoons I watched as I kid...or as a teen. (shhh...) Unfortunately the theme songs are all cut because of copyright issues. Enjoy!

Doug



 Rocko's Modern Life



Hey Arnold



Rocket Power

Pleading Insanity

Classes start next Tuesday, it seems like it was just yesterday that last semester ended. I will admit I am looking forward to it though. It is weird how when I was a kid, returning to school after Christmas break was like the worst thing in the world. I would dread it weeks in advance, but now I look forward to it more than anything. I suppose I may have really driven myself to insanity being home alone all day, broke, with nothing to do but run/bike, strength train, laundry, clean, cook, sleep, and repeat. Maybe I should get a job, or a social life? Yes, perhaps...but as stated in earlier blogs landing a job is nearly impossible for me due to my social retardation. Social life? Well, my friends are all busy running off and getting pregnant. ( Okay, so they are all happily married but yes they all are really pregnant ). Right now the only social life I have is with my dog, and when he starts looking at me like I am freaking nuts, I know it's time I found someone else to hang out with.

 I am taking some fun classes next semester to finish up my personal trainer/nutrition specialist certificate program. One is a nutrition/cooking class where you learn to cook for health and life fitness, and for people with special dietary needs ( like diabetes, allergies, heart disease...etc.). Can't wait! The other class I need to finish up my certificate is Techniques in Group Exercise Instruction. Group exercise instruction? Me? If this is some sort of bright sweatband, legging loving , scruntchy wearing, jazzercise instructional class I am so not into it. There is no other way I would take this class if it was not required to complete my certificate. I am terrified. I guess it could be good for me to step out of my shell, but this kind of feels like I am being pushed out. Wish me luck?

What is the worst experience you have had with a class you had to take?

Missing: Lost Blog

Unfortunately, there will be no new blog post here this morning...I know, your deeply saddened by this. But I spent all my time on my other blog if you really want something to read. So go check it out www.amberhaas.com

Somber Mornings

From what I can tell, it is going to be another cloudy day. It's still dark out so I admit, I'm just guessing. Then again, maybe it is just my brain that's cloudy. I had a hard time sleeping. I passed out around 9:30 last night and woke up just in time to see who got sent home on the Biggest Loser...least I didn't miss the most vital piece of the show. Unfortunately I woke up at 3:00am to the sound of Jeffrey (my furry ferret friend) throwing a temper tantrum in his cage. He still hasn't figured out that no matter how hard he scratches, or gnaws at the walls of his cage, that there is just no escaping. Jeffrey's tantrum continued and I tried to sleep until I finally gave up and got up at 3:50, and of course Jeffrey was out cold by 4:00am. So forgive me if this blog is just bleh.

Suprisingly I think I might actually start to miss this place. I only have about 25 days left here, but it is not really the house that I am going to miss...because well, if you look two doors down there is one just like it. ( Gotta love cookie cutter houses). I think I develop a different type of attachment to the places I live because of running. The environment, and the people of my running route become a part of my routine so even though I get to continue running when I move, there is still a little routine obstruction...and I am a stickler for my morning routine. When you run at nearly the same time every morning, along the same route you develop a sort of silent relationship with the people that you see. You don't know them, or their name, but you know that you share a common ground, the ground I am running on at least. There is the walkers I see which include an older lady with a red coat, that always smiles and waves like she is excited to see me, the old man with the black safari hat and the cane that would nod and smile, the Asain lady who I slowly saw develop into a jogger, and the older gentlemen with the red headband and yellow sweatsuit who always ran with his little french bulldog.

Running will remain in my life, ( if my hip permits ) but the route will be different and so will the people I come across, but I suppose it is a sign that it is time for a new route when you get recognized in Tower Market as the girl who runs all over Lincoln. Awesome, want my autograph?

On a brighter note, it is now light outside and I actually see this big bright yellow thing. What is that? Ohhh it's the sun! I almost forgot what it looked like.

So what are some of the most annoying things that keep you awake at night?

Urges of Change

Have you ever had those random thoughts or urges for change? I am not talking about little changes such as having waffles for breakfast instead of Honey Bunches of Oats, (okay, maybe this would be a big change for me)  running my route counter-clockwise instead of clockwise, or maybe even wearing a different pair of jeans. I am talking about drastic changes usually provoked by the big question of "What if"? What if I got a tattoo? Died my hair pink? Got my nose pierced? Ran naked in the rain? Moved or traveled to a completely unfamiliar place where no one knows me, and live my life as a completely different person. Okay, so maybe I don't really want to do all of these things, but that last one does sound particularly appealing, and it is the most fun to think about.

What if I traveled to...

                      
                      London? I could catch a ride on a double decker bus.

                                       I could roam the streets of Paris...

Stand in awe of Ireland's beauty

Catch a cab in the city that never sleeps

Enjoy the old victorians in San Francisco ....

Or

come back to reality,  appreciate Auburn

     and...

                                                                 
                                                           it's landmarks...


Okay, so I might have to settle for something a little less drastic... perhaps I will run naked in the rain.

Drunken Dreams

 I had a strange drunken dream last night...no I was not dreaming while drunk, but I was dreaming that I was drunk. I don't really remember my dream in too much detail, but all I know is that I was drinking a bud light with lime, ( classy right? ) and was not able to stand up straight.. or really stand up at all. It was one of those dreams where you fall down, and just keep falling. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get myself off the ground, nor could I get anyone to help me up. According to a dream interpretation website my dream could have hidden meanings such as...


As with most common dream themes, falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment. You have lost your foothold and can not hang on or keep up with the hustle and bustle of daily life. When you fall, there is nothing that you can hold on to. You more or less are forced toward this downward motion without any control. This lost of control may parallel a waking situation in your life. 

I don't know that this interpretation could be anymore accurate. Not only did I forget who I was and sign up for 15 units next semester, which includes math and history, ( in case you didn't know already, math and I don't get along..at all ) but my husband is leaving for bootcamp and there are so many unknowns in my future. I am contemplating my ability to actually start and finish 15 units. I know my intention was to keep myself busy while Eric is gone but I am the queen of burn out. I don't want to quit before I start, but I don't want to be forced to quit either. So the question I am facing is should I cut back on the units to ensure that I keep up the 4.0 for another semester or should I first attempt all these units and hope for the best? Some of me wants to pretend that I don't know myself, that I can actually follow through, and get through all these classes, but unfortunately I know myself too well and can only fear the worst. Burn out and dropped classes.

If only I could finally conquer the math class that has been haunting me for years...I would feel on top of the world...man I feel anxious just thinking about it.

Battles on a Cloudy Day

I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. But despite my plummeting seratonin and vitamin D levels I actually had a pretty good day yesterday. Not only did I finally get my new bike, completely assembled, and ready to ride, ( thanks Dad! ) but I also somehow convinced my husband to see a chick flick. I don't even know how I managed to do this. After a failed attempt to go to the bank and realizing it was already closed, we decided to use our movie passes we got for Christmas. We started out wanting to see Youth in Revolt but of course with our luck, it wasn't playing at any of the theaters we had free passes to. Then the "what movie do you want to see now?" question popped into play. According to time, and location we narrowed it down to two possible movies...Avatar, and Leap Year.  Of course, I knew which one he wanted to see. Don't get me wrong, as much as I would love to see a glorified version of the smurfs, I was determined to get my way for once. I suppose his most recent movie selection of Bruno fueled my determination.

So the battle began, Avatar Vs. Leap Year.

Round #1
Eric- You can see it with your friends.
Me- But I want to see it with you.

Score: Amber: 1 Eric: 0
Guilt Factor Bonus Point: +1

Round #2
Eric - I just don't see the fun in seeing a chick flick in theaters. You should see a movie that you can get the full effect of by seeing it in a theater.
Me- But we were originally going to see Youth in Revolt...

Score: Amber: 1 Eric: 0

Round #3
Eric- But chick flicks are just so cheesy, and predictable. You should be happy I don't like them because then I would be gay.
Me- So watching Bruno is somehow less gay? I saw more penis in that movie than I ever wanted to see in a lifetime.

Score: Amber: 1 Eric: 0

Total Score: Amber: 4 Eric: 0

I WIN.

 I usually lose battles but this time I came out victorious! I didn't have a particularly large urge to see Leap Year, but so what? I had won. Since he was opposed to "looking gay" and buying tickets for such a chick flick he made me get the tickets. So I approached the ticket booth in all my glory "two for Leap Year."Yep, that's right sucka!

So was it just like every chick flick? Cheesy, and predictable? Yes, and yes. But that is the beauty of it and I loved every second. Life is not cheesy nor predictable enough and a movie containing these vital elements in a woman's life is a must.

About an hour and a half later, we both exited the movie theater smiling, and he admitted to it not being so bad after all. We finished the day off with a trip to the grocery store for some fresh ingredients for dinner. I ended up making a shepherds pie (vegetarian of course) with a variety of organic vegetables, and made cookies for dessert. You know it was a great day, when you wake up the next day still smiling.

Flashbacks

It has been a year. A year since what? You might ask. Well, it has been a year since I moved out of Marin County.  I know it was a year ago, and I only lived there for 6 months so I should move on and get over it. I wish it was that simple but for whatever reason my mind is finding it hard to let it go. This week my thoughts have been even more flooded with memories of Kentfield, Ross, Fairfax and working at Good Earth. I think what may be triggering these memories more than usual is the thought of having to go through the moving process again, and it is the same time of year. The fog also reminds me of my early morning runs, and when I ride my bike I feel like I am riding to work.

Don't get me wrong, living in Marin was not all gum drops and rainbows. It had its ups and downs just like any other place. The grass is never greener on the other side and you can feel lonely in even the most ideal circumstances. I think what I miss the most is being self sufficient. I had a job, and not just a "job", but I worked at a place that I had a lot of respect for. The people were awesome and I was proud to work there. I miss the feeling that I am doing something purposeful. I think I smiled more at work than I did at home. Whether I was helping a customer, or stocking organic chips, I always felt I was playing an important role. Over the years it has been hard even getting a job due to being such a shy person, but this is the first job I had that not only told me it was okay to be quiet, but they embraced it and accepted me for who I was. I was a hard worker and that is what they looked at as being most important, and before I knew it, my shyness started to wear off.

When I look back and try and figure out why I miss Marin so much, the only conclusion I can come to is that it was the first place where I was on my own...for the most part. I had to work through my problems and try to find solutions (which were not always the best ) in my own way which helped me go through a sort of transformation and begin a journey to really discover who I am, or could become.

I still have a long journey of discovery ahead of me, but I am excited to look forward to that journey instead of looking back. But first, I will take one more quick look back...

Every time I hear a Coldplay song this image pops into my head...it's my old running route and I was on a Coldplay kick at the time.

                                                       Good Earth!

My designated parking spot

I was the best chip stocker in town.

Old Place, which most of the time looked like a tornado hit it. Yes the walls were green..suck it.

Origins of Being Bummed Out

I am feeling a little bummed today. I can't really pinpoint exactly why, but I think there are a few different places this bummed feeling originates from.

Origin #1
My brother is no longer here.

Origin #2
Being sick most of the week.

Origin #3
Feeling like I am falling apart, and always having some sort of new pain while running.Who knew 23 would feel so old.

Origin #4
Having no job/ anticipating the birthday money to be gone very soon.

Origin #5
Doubting my ability to not get overwhelmed with a full school schedule.

Origin #6
Coming home to Jake chowing down on Jeffreys food...only to find an empty bag which I spent $20 of my birthday money on a few days prior. Only to have Eric laughing. Can I have $20 then please?

Origin #7
Smelling the consequences Jake was faced with for eating a whole bag of ferret food.

Origin #8
The overwhelming thought of cleaning up this place, and getting things packed to move.

Origin #9
Having so many unknowns this year.

Origin #10
Having no blog comments to read.

Test

 

So originally I sent this picture to my blog from my phone as a test and planned to delete it, but I couldn't help but smile and remember how fun this night was getting to spend time with my brother. Hopefully it won't be another year until we get to do this again.

Overwhelmed

I finally made it out of the house yesterday. It felt good to leave the house that had begun to seem like my prison. The crazy part is I will only be at this house for another 30 days, and then off to Auburn I go, and off to Missouri Eric will go. I am dreading the moving process, as it never really goes smoothly. Everything seems to get left for the last minute until we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off, or until we want to cut each others heads off. Either way it is not pretty. Only a year ago we were going through the same process, except we didn't have a yard to deal with. Not only are we not allowed to have pets here, but we hid two large dogs somewhat successfully but unfortunately for us..they destroyed the yard and we have to fix it before we move out. I am dreading this, and just looking out the back window is overwhelming.

On another note, I have been neglecting my other blog at www.amberhaas.com but hopefully I will get to writing something new either today or tomorrow so check back!

Nothing Exciting

I don't have anything too exciting to blog about today. Not that I ever do, or ever will, but I have not left the house for two days and my life has consisted of nothing but nose blowing and TV watching. I think I am officially leaking brain matter from my nostrils, and coughing up lung tissue. Lovely. Unfortunately it seems I may have to break my "act like a hobbit week" and get my butt out the door due to lack of toilet paper, and food.

I should be taking advantage of this down time by reading The Omnivores Dilemma which was a birthday gift from my brother. But it seems like every time I crack it open I lose my place trying to blow my nose, or find a comfortable position where my nose is not running onto the crisp new pages. I also have a tendency to want to fall asleep when lying or sitting down. Perhaps there is a down side to low blood pressure after all. ( just kidding ) However, the five pages that I have read so far have been fabulous.

There is one thing that did make me feel better yesterday, and that was being able to watch the opening episode of season 9 of The Biggest Loser. This show is responsible for some of the reasons to why I wanted to become a personal trainer. Not because I wanted to be a rock star trainer like Jillian Michaels, or Bob Harper ( okay, maybe just a little ), but because of what they get to see and do. They get to inspire people to transform their lives, and be part of that transformation. Sure, weight loss may only seem like a physical transformation to the outsiders perspective, but it is also a deeper emotional transformation that is the key. I can only hope to one day inspire someone in this way. I want nothing more in life than to be a part of something like this.

Sickness

Thinking about anything else besides the fact that I am sick is growing increasingly hard. I am still trying to awake from my Nyquil induced coma. The grogginess is a simple reminder of why I don't usually take it. Luckily my sore throat is gone for the most part, but now it has migrated to my nose, head, and chest. All I can think about is running, so I think I might just brave it and hope that I don't pass out from lack of oxygen.

There is plenty of things that are on my mind right now that I would like to write about, but I think I will refrain from anything that requires any critical thinking. My brain is so foggy. Darn you Nyquil I hate you.

Well the bummer side of today is that my brother is at the Sacramento Airport right now about to fly back to Virginia. I wish he could just stay here forever. That would be nice. I can picture myself all movie style rushing to the airport and running down the terminal yelling "Stop! Don't go!" but unfortunately I took Nyquil and am in no condition to drive or run down airport terminals. Sorry brother. Next time I am chasing you down though.

Well I think I am done for now, I might write something really dumb... or probably already did.

Monday Funday

I had a great 23rd birthday yesterday. I got to kick off the day with a run, then Church at Bayside Auburn, followed by my favorite and most predictable meal of Chevy's Veggie Fajitas , while being  surrounded by my favorite people. You wouldn't think it could get much better than that...but it did. My brother gave me The Omnivore's Dilemma, and In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan- two books I have been wanting to read for SO long but was too poor to buy. Yes, I am that poor.  My parents also gave me a book of healthy soup recipes to fulfill my long lost desire to be the Soup Queen. ( That was for you Colin ) I see some meals of healthy homemade soup in my near future because my husband gave me a cold for my birthday. Thanks hubby. Last but not least, my parents got me a new road bike for my birthday! After being forced to stop running and stick solely to riding my bike I learned that I enjoyed cycling as well as running and thought it would be great to be able to continue both. Only problem is that I was peddling around on a 30lb. Mountain bike for 20 + miles and I couldn't help but wonder how much faster I could go on a road bike, or how much more efficient I could be. How far could I go? Riding a mountain bike is like driving around in a dump truck, and I wanted a sports car.  So here she is!

I know, it's not a top of the line, carbon fiber 7,000 dollar bike. But I am no Lance Armstrong..yet, (Watch your back Lance) and this bike is perfect for an entry level rider like me. So, thanks a million Mom, and Dad, you have fulfilled my constant day dreams of the past few weeks.

So now that my birthday is over, I have quickly snapped back to the reality that not only am I sick, and it feels like I swallowed a cactus, but my brother is leaving early tomorrow morning to head back to Virginia. Whenever he comes to visit I always seem to forget that at some point he has to leave. I look forward to it for so long, and then as soon as he gets here time flies by. I hadn't seen him for a year, and I hope that I don't have to wait another year to see him again. I have not laughed this much within a 2 week span in such a long time.

Looking back, it also makes me wonder when my brother and I transitioned into where we are today. When did I stop being the annoying little sister who did everything in my power to anger him into smothering me with a pillow, locking me outside, or using his unusually tall stature to put me in high places I could not jump down from? I guess time and maturity may be responsible for where we are at today. Although whenever I slammed my face into the ground, or got hurt trying to be a boy, his brotherly love always peeked through, even if it was only for a few minutes. Maybe with all the time apart we found that we have more in common than we once believed. Or, maybe we just miss annoying the crap out of each other. Either way.. it has been a great two weeks. Love ya bro!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday, I am officially 23 years old. It is hard to believe I am 23 already. I feel so old. Well, physically ( for the most part ) and mentally I don't feel old. In fact mentally I still feel like I am still around 18. I often times find myself forgetting that I am in fact an adult, and that I should no longer be surprised when someone at the store calls me maa'm. Then again, people still confuse me for that 18 year old ( or 13 year old ) that I still feel inside.

It is strange to think back to when I was a kid, and how I thought 23 seemed so far away. The years seemed to have flown by. If I had all the years of my life stored on file, upon review, a sort of metamorphosis would be seen. It is crazy how much you can change over the years, but no matter what you will always have a part of you that stays the same. I was a highly competitive little tomboy who was always trying to keep up with my brother, and be like one of the boys. ( short haircut and all ) Yea, I pretty much lived half my life as a boy. I often times find myself wanting to erase these years and pretend they never existed but I still find myself taking pride in being able to out-run my husband, or just kick his ass in Mario Kart. My competitive nature has no limits. ( Is that bad? )

Looking back I probably didn't expect to be where I am today. Sometimes I wish to be more accomplished but I realize that I have accomplished many things. They may not be as apparent to others, but I feel them in my heart. There are many things left I would like to accomplish, and I hope to have many years left to accomplish them. I have a feeling that year 23 will be an adventurous one with many ups, and downs. There are many unknowns, but for now, I welcome year 23 with open arms.

Welcome

Hi everyone, welcome to my blog!

I will start with a little background about myself. I am 23 years old ( well as of tomorrow, happy birthday to me..yay ) I have been married for a year and a half, and have an undying love for running, nutrition, and fitness, which is a whole other blog you can read at  www.amberhaas.com  but for now if you would like to keep reading this one, I will continue on.

People often perceive me as the "quiet one", or the shy girl. Unfortunately for me, this label is entirely false. Only my closest friends and relatives see who I truly am, and the problem is that I fail to unlock this true side of me anywhere out of my little circle of friends and family, and sometimes even within them. I have been told on multiple occasions that I write way different than how I talk, or act. I have found this statement to be fairly true. But which is the best indication of the true me? My words? Or my actions? I believe both hold a certain truth to them, but I do believe that my writing holds a bigger part of who I really am. It allows me to show myself with a certain sense of protection. I can hide behind a computer screen,  delete, cut, and edit. Obviously this can not be done in real life situations.

I was born with a sort of social retardation. I clam up in social situations, or avoid them all together. I know what to say, or how to act, but the problem is actually getting myself to play out my thoughts. Job interviews are a nightmare and I often come out thinking "if only they knew the real me" then maybe, I would get the job. I don't know if even "the real me" would be worthy of much, but at least it would be worth a try. So for now, here is my try. This will be the me that I wish I could show to the world. The "me" that has been suppressed for so many years. Enjoy.