Honestly

I'm happy. I love my life, and I am extremely thankful for what I have. I know that I am very fortunate, but is it ever okay to not be okay? Can you feel happy, and fortunate yet sad at the same time? At what point is it okay, to say "No, I'm not okay"?

This year I have made a new promise to myself...and that promise is to be as honest and open as possible in all aspects of life. Of course, it is a work in progress... because this all means being a bit vulnerable, which to me is one of the worst feelings in the world. Its like running around naked...in the cold, while being chased by someone trying to whip you with a wet towel.

So what does this new pact of honesty mean to me? It means getting a little uncomfortable, exposing myself ( emotionally...not physically. Scared you for a sec huh? ), being honest with myself, and with others. When someone asks me if I am okay, my automatic response is always "yes". Any other answer leaves me feeling vulnerable. Not being "okay" means there is something wrong...or that I am not as strong as I would like to appear...but I am finding that the biggest sign of strength is being true and honest. It is one of the hardest things to do right? Honesty is true strength. So I guess its time to be strong and I will start by saying that no, I am not okay..but I am happy. I have a bit of a hump to get over, but admitting this does not mean that I am not strong enough to get over it. Honesty also comes into play when it comes to relationships/friendships...if I don't agree with something, have a problem with you or feel a certain way...I am going to try my best to be up front about it...no matter how hard it is. I think everyone deserves the truth, even when it is hard to hear.

I will always be that friend that tells you when you have something in your teeth.

Time to get a little more honest. Life is just getting started.

Long Time No Blog

Long time no blog. I guess you could say I have had a bit of a bloggers block, but I guess I shouldn't let that stop me from rambling on about nothing as usual. Whats the big difference except that it is a lot harder than usual to write about the same amount of nothing important?

Well, I guess I could give a little life update. I am still in culinary school, however, I am almost done. Crazy to think that one year ago I was one of those sad chaps I pass in the hallway with the new uniform fold creases, and terrified looks on their face. They to, will get to be this awesome some day...kidding. I still have a lot to learn, and I am excited to keep learning. In fact, you never stop learning as a chef. This fact is one of the most exciting things about becoming one.

On the exercise front, I am still running, however I have discovered a little thing called CrossFit. If you don't know me, you should know that I am very competitive. I keep that on the D.L. though. CrossFit kind of fills that competitive need I have in my life. The only problem is that I get my ass kicked everyday. I have been a runner for so long that strength is still not my strong point. I am humbled everyday by CrossFit. It puts me in my place. Which is usually on the ground in a puddle of sweat.

I am not going to lie, I thought about abandoning this blog and starting fresh...but I couldn't do it. I have come a long way in this whole journey of life lately and there are still things that have been left unwritten. It has been such a long time since I have truly sat down and blogged that it is hard for me to sort out my thoughts but it is time I organize my thoughts and get re-acquainted with my keyboard.

On Being Shy

Sometimes I am still awkward. Alright so...the majority of the time I am still awkward. I guess it depends on who I am with, but usually my awkwardness includes awkward laughter ( sometimes at inappropriate times ), selective mutism, or if I am actually able to spit out a few words it is completely off the wall. Welcome to my life.

I know, people say that being shy is not a bad thing, but it is to me. I hate it. Why? Because people seem to get the wrong impressions of me. They either think I am stuck up, or stupid. Well, one of those might be true... but trust me, if I was stuck up I wouldn't choose to portray it by not talking to you. I try to counter-act the stuck up judgement by smiling. But then I get more of the "I smile because I have no idea what is going on look." 

I guess you could say that I hate being shy so much that it actually gets me down sometimes... I mean, I kind of started this whole blog on the subject. I know that being shy could possibly "just be part of who I am." but I still don't think I really am a shy person. I have plenty to say, but for some reason I choose to not to speak. Maybe being shy is more of a defense mechanism for me than anything. Perhaps I am afraid to let people see who I really am. So what is it I am afraid they will see?

Curdled Eggs and Tart Dough

Seems as if I have fallen off of the blog everyday in June wagon. Well, despite missing a few days I am going to keep on trekkin. I have been a bit busier than normal baking in the kitchen to prepare for my final exam tomorrow. Our practical exam consists of:

Tart dough

Pate a choux

Crème Anglaise

Pastry Cream

Ganache

So in case you didn't know Tart dough means making a whole fresh berry tart with the pastry cream included. The Pate a Choux, Creme Anglaise, and Ganache all go together to form an Eclair.  Seems pretty easy right? Well.. yes, but there are so many things that could go disastrously wrong. I could measure any of these recipes wrong and doom myself from the beginning, I could under cook the Pate a Choux ( which makes them impossible to fill ), I can over cook my Pate a Choux and create a not so favorable texture,  I can over cook my custard causing the eggs to curdle, or I could temper it wrong and also cause the eggs to curdle. Time is also a factor so I have to make sure to make a plan and stick to it. My dough needs to be chilled, and my custards need to be set...timing, timing, timing.

I'm a little stressed out. 

Passion. Food. Cooking. Love

Passion. Food. Cooking. Love.... these four words are some of the most important words in my vocabulary. While at crossfit today I discovered that not everyone has a love for food like I do. Surprise surprise. The owner of the crossfit gym I go to expressed his lack of love for food and eating. He said he doesn't necessarily "enjoy" eating and can just buy a steak, cook it, and eat it with nothing on it. Woah. Salt and pepper at least man. That is like... an unforgivable sin. You might as well just eat seitan.

I don't just love food, but I love the whole process behind it and the passion you can put into it. For me, I cook with the purpose of love. I know, that sounds cheesy as hell... ( mmm cheese.) but it's true. I love cooking for people I love, and I want people to feel the love through my food. I don't ever want the passion and love behind cooking to die for me. It makes me nervous when I have to remember the business side of food and cooking. I am taking a few classes this quarter that deal with running your own restaurant, managing employees, menu pricing...etc. It is scary to think that passion might one day be substituted for stress and money. I don't ever want my love for cooking to be just another business. I understand it comes with the occupation...otherwise I should of just become a housewife right? Well, lets not get too domestic. I love me some excitement and competition too.

It will be interesting to see where I will fit in the food world. People ask me all the time what I want to do with my culinary degree after I graduate. I know I want to start off in restaurants to gain experience and knowledge but I still haven't quite decided what I want to do after that. I can picture it...but I can't map out the steps yet. It is kind of a mind puzzle with missing pieces. All I know is that I want use my cooking skills towards something other than to feed my own ego. I want to help people. Yes, I know...that is what potential doctors say and we both know I am not that smart but really, I want food to be able to bring people together, help them reconnect to their food, know how it is grown, where it comes from, and how to cook it.

As you can probably see, food is more than something I enjoy eating. There is so much more meaning behind it. I suggest you find out what it means to you. Yep, that's right. Go cook something.


Seriously, stop thinking about how "inconvenient" cooking is and think about how convenient it is that you have something called a kitchen which is meant to be used.

Happy cooking!

Subscription Addiction

 Today's topic for BEDJ is on Movies, TV, music...etc. etc...and I must say I think I have a subscription problem...Netflix, Hulu, Pandora, Spotify.... all such great ways to waste time and procrastinate. 

 Believe it or not I hardly have any patience for anything but documentaries.... they are the only thing that keeps my attention these days. I don't really know why that is... guess I am just not really into fictional characters or stories at the moment. I am kind of on a real life kick. My "personalized" Netflix suggestions suggest that I am a complete nerd...and I am not ashamed one bit. Netflix, you truly do know me. Although Netflix seems to know my taste in films these days Pandora still doesn't quite get the music right. They only make you believe for a minute that the channel you created will actually generate songs that are similar to the artist you created the channel for. Oh and be careful on what you thumbs up. One wrong thumbs up and you are going to hear Justin Bieber everyday for the rest of that channels life. Don't screw up your Pandora channel. Thumbs up at your own risk.

I am also a proud Hulu plus subscriber. I can watch TV without actually watching TV. Therefore, I can still qualify as one of those douche bags that says "I don't watch much TV" and pretend I don't have time, am to good for it, and don't know what is really going on in the world when in reality I just watch that shiz on my computer.

I have also gotten into Spotify lately, which is great because you can listen to whatever you want and don't have to thumbs up or thumb down anything The only risk is when you are listening to something that is your guilty pleasure and it ends up telling everyone on Facebook what you are listening to. Listen at your own risk, or turn on private session....then again I could be the only one who is ashamed of the music they listen to.

What are your guilty listening and watching pleasures? ( Keep it R rated please ) :P 

Better Late Than Never

I almost didn't get a blog post in today. I normally blog in the morning but had to finish up my homework which took longer than expected. I still didn't finish it until just now after getting home from class. Needless to say this post is pretty much a bunch of BS but for some reason you are still reading. Why are you reading this right now? Seriously, you must be trying to kill some serious time.

Still reading? Well, okay I guess I will tell you about my day. I had fun today... as I have been doing in class the past 10 weeks. Believe it or not I am actually starting to enjoy meeting new people. Culinary school definitely forces you to communicate at times I would usually chose to keep my mouth shut. I think the biggest thing I have learned lately is that people can really surprise you. Sometimes its not always a good surprise but when it is... its pretty awesome.