Saturday, October 1, 2011


 Babies scare the crap out of me. I know...I am a woman and I should love babies. They should be so cute, cuddly, and squeezable to me--my uterus should be yearning for one, but instead, I curse at it monthly and contemplate its removal.

 I will admit that there was a point that I did want a baby, marriage tends to do that to you, and maybe I still do, but its a good thing that it never happened because as my mother puts it "I was born with no maternal instinct". I like to think of it more as being born with a skewed maternal instinct.  For me, babies are strictly for looking at. From afar. My friends have babies but they know how terrified and awkward I am around them so they don't really expect much of me. I am kind of a deadbeat "aunt". I feel bad though. The only instinctive thing I can ever find to do is to poke them in the belly as if they were the Pillsbury dough boy and let out a quick "boop". And then flash them a creepy smile and maybe give them a pat on the head. If I am lucky they will stare at me blankly, when I am not so lucky, they cry.

I don't want to be so awkward and terrified of babies but what can I say, awkward just comes naturally to me. Can awkwardness be instinctive? Perhaps it is some kind of primal survival mechanism? You can't really out-run lions or dinosaurs with a baby in your hands right? Survival of the fittest? I think things might be different if a baby was my own, but I am kind of afraid to find out. I could really mess up a kid--and I am not really wanting to be responsible for years of therapy or producing some sort of serial killer.

I think that dogs might forever be my children. Yep, I am going to be that lady. Not the crazy cat lady, but the crazy dog lady.  Cats hate me more than babies. One minute I am scratching their head, and the next minute I have a claw in my face.

Anyone else as awkward around babies as I am? Let me clarify this: I do not dislike babies. I just don't know how to handle them. Therefore I avoid them whenever possible. 


  1. I know you're in culinary school, but seriously, you need to write a book of essays. You crack me up!

    I'm *very* comfortable around babies. I worked in a preschool for 3+ years so, of course, they don't scare me. I love, love, love babies.

    That said, there are more days than not that I question being a mother. I don't think I would be a *bad* mother, they are just SO much work. I see that just from my nephew. I'm not sure I'm up for all that work. ;)

    That said, I think once I find "The One" all my feelings will change. Hopefully. Although, I am enjoying my childless freedom for now. A lot.

  2. As much as I look forward to getting pregnant and having a baby, I am going to admit that babies freak me out as well. I worry about not holding them properly or that I'm going to raise a psycho killer (really praying that I don't). One of the main reasons I married my husband, though, is because he did want children early on in our relationship. So, I do look forward to becoming a mom, but the fear is still there.

  3. I feel bad to say that you have no maternal instincts, but that was said as I watched how you took care of animals. Yeah they are cute, but they are work also. When you have your very own baby, your maternal instincts JUST KICK IN because it's your very own flesh & blood and no one will protect that baby like it's mother. What helped me was to babysit and take care of my own sister. I'd rather love on a baby than a dog. After a while your children are on their own....dogs..NOT. You HAVE to always pick up their poop, clean them, pick up after them. I'd choose a sweet, sweet baby anytime.