Babies scare the crap out of me. I know...I am a woman and I should love babies. They should be so cute, cuddly, and squeezable to me--my uterus should be yearning for one, but instead, I curse at it monthly and contemplate its removal.
I will admit that there was a point that I did want a baby, marriage tends to do that to you, and maybe I still do, but its a good thing that it never happened because as my mother puts it "I was born with no maternal instinct". I like to think of it more as being born with a skewed maternal instinct. For me, babies are strictly for looking at. From afar. My friends have babies but they know how terrified and awkward I am around them so they don't really expect much of me. I am kind of a deadbeat "aunt". I feel bad though. The only instinctive thing I can ever find to do is to poke them in the belly as if they were the Pillsbury dough boy and let out a quick "boop". And then flash them a creepy smile and maybe give them a pat on the head. If I am lucky they will stare at me blankly, when I am not so lucky, they cry.
I don't want to be so awkward and terrified of babies but what can I say, awkward just comes naturally to me. Can awkwardness be instinctive? Perhaps it is some kind of primal survival mechanism? You can't really out-run lions or dinosaurs with a baby in your hands right? Survival of the fittest? I think things might be different if a baby was my own, but I am kind of afraid to find out. I could really mess up a kid--and I am not really wanting to be responsible for years of therapy or producing some sort of serial killer.
I think that dogs might forever be my children. Yep, I am going to be that lady. Not the crazy cat lady, but the crazy dog lady. Cats hate me more than babies. One minute I am scratching their head, and the next minute I have a claw in my face.
Anyone else as awkward around babies as I am? Let me clarify this: I do not dislike babies. I just don't know how to handle them. Therefore I avoid them whenever possible.