Saturday, January 29, 2011

Plan B

I have been having a hard time blogging lately. Not necessarily due to writers block but due to the fact that I am tired of writing blogs about being homesick. Sure I am still homesick, but I guess it is time I realize there is nothing I can do about it. Suck it up right? I am trying to switch my frame of mind from wanting things I had back in the States to taking in and learning as much as I can while I am here. The culture, the architecture, and the scenery is amazing. There is so much more to see and learn.

Speaking of learning yesterday I applied to UMUC ( University of Maryland ). Sure, I wanted my next school to be a culinary school but that isn't really an option right now. My second choice would of been a school with a good holistic nutrition program, but that isn't an option onto my third choice: English. I have considered this major in the past but then the image of me in a grey pencil skirt with ripped stockings, a tight hair bun with ever so carefully placed chopsticks, standing in front of a bunch of pubescent teenagers trying to teach vocab as they texted their friends about how bored they were. Yikes.

I am really hoping that image will not become reality. I can hope that an English major can offer me more options besides teaching. Being a woman of few spoken words, I have a ton of words stored up in my head. I love the English language. Reading it, studying it, and writing it. I also find it ironic that I will be studying English in Germany.

Regardless of what the outcome is, I am excited to get back to school, and back on the positive thinking wagon. At least I am not the kid getting yelled at in the apartment above us right now.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Logos and Dreams

Just do it. The mantra made famous by the all powerful Nike brand. As I slipped off my shoes the other night before bed this familiar logo caught my eye. I stared at the logo as a flash of memories started to flood my brain.

Being completely obsessed with sports when I was younger, I had forgotten how much this symbol meant to me. When I looked at it, it gave me feelings of hope, strength, power, and confidence. I know, it's a freaking shoe... but back then it was also a dream. Surely one day I would be a professional basketball player and trade in my Penny Hardaways for a shoe with my own name neatly stitched on the back. I would play for the Monarchs, straight out of high school and be the Kobe Bryant of the WNBA.

Needless to say, this didn't exactly happen. Not only did I not make it to the WNBA but I quit playing basketball my Sophomore year of High School and my identity crisis began. I had watched my brother play Varsity basketball for years and waited my turn to play Varsity basketball with great anticipation. So why did I quit? That is a long story in itself. One that doesn't require much more explanation than a few words. My choice words would be: politics, recruiting, and burn out.

The upside to this story was that I did get to play 4 years of Varsity high school soccer. Without my soccer coaches, and those 4 years, I would be even more of an train wreck than I am today. The first two years of soccer were the most memorable. I had two of the best soccer coaches that I looked up to more than anyone at the time. They made such an impact on me that I still hear their voices in my head when I need to push myself in running. They created the phrase I say to myself when I feel my body starting to fatigue. "Push it Amber, push it!" ( yes I talk to myself. )

I have yet to come across a run that has been as difficult as one of their soccer practices. I can still hear coach Ron and coach Colleen telling us to keep going, to push, and telling us we could do it. I remember doing sprints at the end of a soccer practice thinking I had nothing left in me, but yet somehow, managed to crank out a set of sprints without collapsing.

Training for a marathon, and pushing my running give me a new sense of hope. Not exactly the " I am going to be a professional runner with my name stitched into a nike shoe hope." But the kind of hope to be able to push through hard times and achieve goals that I didn't know were possible.

And yes, I did in fact rock these shoes and I don't regret it one bit.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Summer Camp

I have been wanting to post a blog for a few days now, but have been at loss of what to write because  I have the same things on my mind. Some things I would rather not blog about, and then other things I have already blogged about. Such as being homesick, and being lost. I am still homesick, and perhaps even more lost.

I think my homesickness has reached a whole new level today. It's not just like a I miss mexican food, the English language, or driving a car, kind of's the I want to come home from summer camp kind of homesick. The kind that makes you a little sick to your stomach with a minor panic feeling of being eternally doomed to a whole summer with kids who think you have koodies.

I keep thinking about Saturday mornings at the Farmer's market, cooking a Saturday evening dinner, hanging out with my best friends and laughing so hard I almost pee myself. It has been so long since I have almost pee'd myself and that is not a good thing.

I know what you're thinking. Amber, you are in Europe. Explore, enjoy yourself, what is wrong with you? Well there are a lot of things wrong with me and one of them being that I am horrible at making friends. I can only enjoy so much on my own. Sharing a moment with someone else is half the fun. If that wasn't true then Twitter wouldn't exist. People want to share as many moments as they can with others. Whether they are significant moments, insignificant moments, or just thoughts...we tweet them, share them on Facebook, Instagram, or heaven forbid on Myspace.
The next question you are probably thinking: What about your husband? Well let me tell you. Weekends are splendid. I don't feel alone on weekends when Eric is off. We get to do things together and I love it. Unfortunately, the weekend is only 2 days out of the very long week.

Marathon training is a little bit of a distraction for me during the week, but I had a brief run in with some back/hip pain and the thought of having absolutely no distraction or anything to work toward crossed my mind and it terrified me. I wish I had something else to work towards as well, I just don't know what that would be. I don't have a whole lot to offer.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Spammer Jammer

There comes a time in life where you have to ask yourself. How in the world do I have 852 spam e-mails? I do have to admit though, they make me laugh. Let's take a look at what kind of spam we are looking at here...

Delete all spam messages now (messages that have been in Spam more than 30 days will be automatically deleted)
DELL Computers
Delivery Notice: Dell XPS Laptop Pending Delivery - Check Status
  12:47 pm
My friend dropped her cell phone in the toilet, look at the! - Hey, check out my new cell phone, I love it: My cell …
  12:25 pm
Hey, check out the photos of my sexy smile - Hey, check out the photos of my sexy smile: Dental …
  12:15 pm
Social Security Benefits Info for - 01/15/2011 Your Social Security Claim info. Go here: …
  12:10 pm
Banish "bra fat" with one easy move! - New! 15-minute secret to a Yoga-Slim Body Try Slim Calm Sexy free for 21 days Beauty on the …
  11:43 am
Emotional Health From Ev.
Overcome Your Fears With Jillian Michaels -, you are receiving this e-mail because you subscribed to Everyday Health …
  7:14 am
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  1:45 am
Bare Lifts Bra
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  12:43 am
Home Warranty 2
Do you own a home? If you do you should own a Home Warranty. Get a free quote today! - Are you covered if the heating & cooling system in your home breaks down? - Click Here
  12:26 am
Official Pasta Boat
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  Jan 14
Check your horoscope - now - If you do not wish to receive messages like this in the future please unsubscribe here or you can …
  Jan 14
Women's Health Magazine

These are only the top 12 of my 800 or so spam mails, but my personal favorite is the one from Helen. It would actually be pretty funny if someone dropped their phone in the toilet and it snapped a photo, but it would also be pretty freaking disgusting and there is no way I would open that e-mail spam or not. I will think about that "lift your chest without surgery" e-mail though. Maybe I should see what my horoscope says.  

What was the weirdest spam mail you have ever received? 

Friday, January 14, 2011


Inspiration. I love being inspired, and someday I hope to inspire others. I am not really sure how, but I feel like my main goal and purpose in life is to inspire someone in some way or another. Whether big or small, making an impact in someone else's life in a positive way seems like one of life's greatest accomplishments.  I am not much of an inspirer at the moment. I am at a point in my life where I am the one needing inspiration and sucking in as much as I can. I am still journeying through life trying to find my niche, trying to find out who I am, and how to use that to inspire others and use it to make a positive impact on this world.

I am a pretty quiet person, and may not show it often, but in reality I am a very passionate person. I love seeing other people as passionate as I am about something. I watch them, study them, research them ( basically stalk them ). I feed off their energy. It inspires me, and someday I hope to do the same for others. I hope to always be passionate about something in life. I think everyone needs a passion.

What's yours?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Sometimes I Feel Homesick

If you are living in the States and have always dreamed of a trip to Europe than you probably won't understand this post very well. Don't get me wrong, Germany is awesome. There are so many things to do, and so many things to see...but after awhile when simple everyday tasks become difficult because of the language barrier, or difference in culture, you start to miss the simplicity you used to have. Simple things like shopping, driving, finding and using a public toilet, getting internet under two months, and signing up for a marathon all become overly complicated and draining.

Yes, half of these simple tasks gone wrong are probably mostly due to my inability to be confident and get things done, but it feels horrible to have back-stepped so far into my shell. I have never completely broken out of my shell but I feel like I was able to reach a hand out before I left, and now I have completely sucked myself back in so far that I can't even see the opening.

I don't consider myself an independent person. I always seem to rely on someone for something but I have completely given up any independence I had. I can't even go on a full grocery shopping trip on my own.

I think I will stop before I turn this blog into an ongoing irrational sob story. Some days are better than other's. But there are days like today where I feel particularly homesick and I decide to spill whatever comes to mind. I have been on an emotional roller coater these past few months. Thanks for hanging on for the ride.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Run For Life

So far the year of 2011 has been treating me well. I am excited to see what the rest of the year has in store for me, but the most exciting thing it has brought to me so far is the idea of taking my running to a whole new level. I not only aspire to run a marathon this year, but to run it well. By well, I mean fast. I don't expect to run it at elite marathoner status, but it would be a lie if I said I didn't hope to be able to run "elite" fast someday.

To make sure that I didn't chicken out and actually start training for a marathon I hired a coach. I know, it seems kind of dumb considering I am a personal trainer and should be able to train without the help of a coach, but guess what...even the best personal trainers, have their own trainers. ( Yes I am talking about Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper from the Biggest Loser ). It is good to have someone else pushing you when your brain fails to do so. Having a coach will encourage me to put in the effort I need for training, it will bring encouragement, motivation, and prevent me from injuring myself. 

I have been wandering around these past couple months feeling a little off. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it just felt like something was missing. I woke up every morning without a sense of purpose, and nothing to work toward. It sucked. But on a run one morning it hit me. Dude, why don't you just do a freaking marathon already. Stop being a pussy. Oh and since you have all the time in the world to train and nothing holding you back, put all of your heart into it. Give it everything you got. So that is what I plan to do. I know it is only week one of training, and I have a measly 9 miles of a long run tomorrow, but just having that feeling of trying to reach a goal, and having a purpose gives every day a lot more meaning. Don't get me wrong, I am terrified. But for the first time in awhile I feel alive.

 I couldn't ask for more.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

One Year Later

It has been a whole year since I started this blog. I just took a look back at my first post, and remember some of the reasons I started blogging. I remember  I had just recently botched  another interview because of my inability to spit out any of the words that ran through my mind. I was feeling pretty down  and was tired of never being able to express my true thoughts, or be myself.

So have I changed? Well, yes and no. I have not magically kicked my shyness to the curb and become the life of the party. I have not been able to master the job interview process, carry on a proper small talk conversation, or even ask for a dressing room key in a department store. But I am slowly realizing that dwelling on these things just further disappoints me and throws me deeper into my hobbit hole. I verbally abuse myself on a daily basis over these things, and I am tired of it. Instead of finding out who I am, and having confidence in myself all I can think about is who I am not, and who I wished I was. One of my greatest hurdles is not knowing who I am. How can anyone be confident without an identity?

So on that note, I would like to start this year off as a journey of self discovery. I want to find confidence, joy, and learn to love myself as I am.

Cheers to another year of blogging. I can't wait to see what this year has in store.