Where to Start

It is days like today that I miss having someone to do nothing with...nothing important at least. I miss being able to wander around aimlessly with someone due to lack of anything better to do. I miss going to the mall and looking at furniture we could never afford, kitchen appliances that we could only dream of, and wandering through IKEA imagining how our future dream home might be decorated. ( Dream homes come in IKEA dream kits that you assemble yourself ).

It is also at these moments that I wish I had friends that I could relate to and help take my mind off of days like these.  Divorce is hard enough as it is, but unfortunately it throws you into a whole new phase of life that you never wish for anyone to experience. My close friends all got married around the same time, which is usually followed by babies, mom jeans, and mini-vans. They now have the babies, and I have divorce papers. Things didn't exactly go as planned.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am not really sure about the reason behind all of this yet but I am at the start of a journey to figure out why.  It feels like I am having to start life all over again and honestly it is a bit scary and overwhelming. I don't know where to start.

Life's Unexpected Obstacles

I have been trying to write a blog for going on 2 weeks now, maybe longer...I have written drafts, erased drafts, almost hit the publish button, and then left half-written drafts sitting with no intention of ever finishing them. The problem is not lack of things to write about...its that I have too much. There has been a lot going on and thinking of writing it all out is overwhelming. However, I have to start somewhere.

Despite my great attempts to write a beautifully thought out blog on all the latest in my life I made the decision to just get it out there no matter how ugly the end product was. So bear with me. It could be a bumpy ride.

Now where to start...

Good news or bad news first?

I was always a bad news first kind of girl so here it is:

I am getting a divorce.

That is the first time I have ever written out that sentence. It seems blunt, and to the point but why soften it up?  It stings a bit. I never expected to be a 24 year old divorcee. Life throws some big obstacles but I never expected this one would come my way.

So what happened? Well, that is a long story that I am not really ready to tell. I want to tell it, but there are a few things stopping me. #1 My brain, #2 The situation ( no not the MTV situation ) In time, perhaps it will get easier to talk about, but for now I just can't find the right words. It is hard for me to express it, or even explain it-so for now I am leaving it at that.


The good news:

I have culinary school for a distraction and I am experiencing new things on a daily basis. I am slowly getting used to interacting with people and I can tell I am gaining a little bit of social confidence. I don't always find the need to keep my mouth shut, and in the chaos of the kitchen I am forced to open my mouth or get left behind. I experienced my first midterm last week, and although I felt like I was in a bad quickfire challenge on TopChef, I made it through unharmed.

I also find that although I am shy- that I am craving a sense of community or that I am happiest when I am around people. Of course I still like my alone time just like any other introvert,  but I find myself longing for more friends and to meet new people. New people still terrify me, and I have to force myself to get out there but it is getting slightly easier and more gratifying.

One of the hardest things about a failed marriage is that you are suddenly left single with all of your friends getting married, married, or married with kids. Suddenly I feel lonely and left behind.

The world seems pretty overwhelming at the moment. I apologize for this post being all over the place.

Cheers to singlehood.

On Week One

One week of my first term of culinary school down, ten to go. This last week has been a stressful one, but it is one of the best weeks I have had in a long time. The stress of new surroundings, new people, and a wealth of information outlined for us to learn has definitely left me feeling like I just ran a marathon. However, the best thing about marathons is that endorphin rush you get from it. I was pushed in ways that I haven't been pushed in months. I was pushed socially, physically, and mentally, but it left me hungry for more. I can feel myself improving in all of those aspects in just a few days.

One of the things that I have enjoyed the most is learning about the little details in cooking that differentiate a home cook from a chef. Details that range from the presentation, knife cuts, or to the way you build levels of flavor. There are a ton of little details that make a world of difference and I am enjoying every second of learning about it. For those of you that think that culinary school is easy, you are very wrong. There is homework and research papers just like any other major except you also risk the chance of losing the tip of a finger or getting a third degree burn. It is also not recommended that you don't do homework on an empty stomach because it will most likely make you extremely hungry.

Well, that is my brief synopsis of my first week. Can't wait to see what next week has in store.

The Day Has Come

It is finally here. Day one of Culinary school. Although it is only a lecture class today, I can hardly contain my excitement. I have been waiting for this day for so long and I can't believe it is finally here.

I have the familiar first day of school jitters, (yes, I am 5 years old. ) and lucky for me my mind likes to imagine worst case scenario's before I even get there. What if I am late? What if I forget something? What if I do something horribly embarrassing? I guess a lot of my fear comes from not knowing what to expect. Fear of the unknown- which will hopefully cease by the end of the day.

The best part about today is that I feel like this is the start of a new chapter in my life. I don't know what the next chapter holds but I am looking forward to seeing how it unfolds. Cheers to a new chapter, and hope that I don't embarrass myself!

I Wasn't Always So Fearful

Skateboard competition in Fresno

There was a time in my life when I wasn't so afraid of everything. I may have even seemed fearless at times. I was still a bit of a social outcast and was never the life of the party, or outgoing by any means but I knew who I was, and at some point in the last few years I have completely lost that.   

Look at that crowd. I had the best fans....

I was never afraid of the boys

I wasn't full of confidence then, but I had more than I have now. I was still able to fight off the fear of what people thought of me. I was shy, but I didn't care. I just did my thing. Playing sports helped me forget that I was shy. There was no room for a lack of confidence on your board, or on the field. I was far from timid and may have even been called aggressive-I didn't even have to talk. 

Now, unfortunately as an adult people automatically expect you to be able express yourself in other ways than skateboarding and slide-tackling. I am so awkward in person ya'll. It is really hard for me to get a job because people see me as being stuck-up, dumb, and lacking confidence. These are all of the things an employer does not want to hire. I am so terrified of how I present myself, and what people's impressions of me are that I am afraid to do anything concerning people that don't already know me. There are so many things I want to do but am too afraid. 

I want to go on group runs with the people from the local running store, make new friends, run more races, carry on conversations with people, have a good job interview that actually lands me a job, and find some confidence. 

I only have one life, and the events of the last few weeks have shown me that it is in fact very short, and the way you live it could determine your happiness in the end. 

I need to stop being so afraid. 

Elbow Deep

My hands are finally starting to heal, but it still stings when I juice a citrus fruit of choice. Being a dishwasher is no joke. I was only washing dishes for a week but I have the battle wounds of seasoned veteran. Blades will indeed cut you- especially when they are hiding at the bottom of the sink filled with dirty dish water. The strange thing is that I somewhat enjoyed dish washing. If I was getting paid for it, it wouldn't be bad. It fit me and my social retardedness quite well. Washing dishes is a system that takes learning in order for you to be efficient, but once you get it down, it is pretty simple. I was able to learn the system, and produce awesomely clean dishes in a fast and orderly manner. All of this without having to deal with a single customer. The best part about dish washing is that you don't have to deal with customers, and you can just do your thing and be left alone. As much as I enjoyed dishwashing I wasn't exactly a fan of doing it for free.

I was supposed to be working at a pretty well known local restaurant/cafe here in town. I got home from Germany on a Wednesday and started work at 6am on Friday...only to be told at the end of the day that I would be an intern for them while they trained me and would re-evaluate me in two weeks. This news sucked..but I was willing to wait it out and decided it was worth it just to learn how the kitchen operates, how the food is prepared and so on...but everyday after that I spent my days elbow deep in dishwater. If the "Chef" did decide she wanted to teach me something she talked to me like I was retarded. If she wanted me to cut broccoli she would teach me how to cut broccoli...step, by step. If I had to use a food processor, she would teach me how to plug it in, how to put the lid on, and how to turn it on. Trying to let her know I was completely capable of these things was impossible, she simply didn't listen. When she  spent too much time teaching me how to plug in appliances, cut vegetables, and pick my nose she would get flustered and stressed that nothing would get done. All I could think about was the dishes that were piling up on the sink...knowing I would have to rush to catch up and get them washed. 

Another disappointment is that I had always loved this place because I thought that their food and baked goods were all homemade and of superior quality. ( It should be for the prices! ).  To my disappointment, not only is their food not the highest of quality, but most of their baked goods come in a bucket. They order their muffins, and scones pre-mixed or made and scooped them into muffin tins and sold them off as made from scratch. Their sticky buns are made from frozen pastry dough layered with butter and sugar and then rolled and baked. 

There is an on-going joke with the rest of the kitchen staff as well about how the "chef" prides herself in her food and recipes that she calls her own but then when it comes to preparing the day's food she pulls out The Joy of Cooking and bakes or cooks straight from it. She has recipe books filled with ripped out pages from magazines. How can she call these "her own" recipes? 

Another observation that I made that could potentially be a bit more serious is how she prepares and stores her "Gluten Free" baked goods. She creates "her own" mix of gluten free flour but the problem is that she uses the same equipment and instruments for her gluten free goods as her regular gluten containing products. This might produce just the slightest amount of gluten contamination but for real celiacs this could be dangerous. Even foods sold in the grocery store can not carry a gluten free label if they were manufactured on the same equipment as gluten containing foods. She needs to be more careful or at least let people know that there is a slight risk of contamination. 

Frustrations aside, I ended my "internship" on good terms. ( unless they read this blog ) For once in my life I actually had the balls to speak up and talk to them about the situation. The chef said she wanted to potentially have me as a prep cook but that they just didn't have it in the budget to pay me, and when they did it would only be a couple days a week. So who knows how long I would have been their free dishwasher. 

Long story short... I am now back to job searching. I will miss the kitchen staff though. I really liked the people that worked there, but there was a lot of drama...I don't even know how much longer they will be there. 

Let the search begin. 

Acting Stupid

Sometimes I let on like I know less than I know. I guess you could call it "acting stupid" but I assure you that it is purely accidental. Unfortunately, acting stupid whether on purpose or accidental doesn't really get you where you want to be in life.

I started my new job last Friday at a little eatery in town called Tsuda's. I am helping in the mornings with baking, and washing dishes (mostly dishes)..and pretty much anything that they need. Minus the new job nerves it went quite well. I enjoy the people, the atmosphere, and everything about it. Everyone is really nice, and willing to help out the new kid. The only hurdle I can't get over is my lack of confidence.

I will be in training for a couple of weeks (unpaid) until I get used to the ropes. My only fear is that they will find that I am not cut out for the kitchen due to my lack of a backbone. I was training with another new girl who is about to graduate from Le Cordon Bleu's baking and pastry program. I definitely felt under qualified. She was sweet, always willing to help me and I am really thankful that she made me feel really comfortable...however, this also allowed me to play dumb.

Tsuda's specializes in gluten free baked goods, vegan baked goods, and just overall deliciousness. What I failed to portray was the fact that I know more about baking than they think. Especially about gluten-free baking- something they don't cover in great detail in culinary school. I have done a lot of my own experimentation and research when it comes to gluten free baking, bread baking, vegan baking...everything. But for some reason I feel the need to act like I know nothing. I guess one of my biggest fears is coming off like an annoying cocky "know it all". I definitely don't know it all but I know something. I need to grow a backbone, learn to communicate (easier said than done ) and let on that I have at least some knowledge if I want to be handed less dishes and more responsibility.

My biggest downfall is always second guessing myself. Even with everyday tasks that I wouldn't even think about if I was doing it at home. I can separate egg whites with my eyes closed at home, but at work I was afraid to mess something up and looked like a moron. I have a hard time telling the difference between being cocky,and from being confident. Whenever I try on the confidence coat I always feel like a cocky asshole. But maybe that is what you need to make it in a kitchen?

Food is my passion, and I know there is no place I would rather be than in the kitchen. This is what I want to do for my career and will do everything I can to improve in all aspects of life in order to get where I want to be. Praying for confidence. Help me God.