Call It What You Want

Shyness, social anxiety, insecurity, call it what you want, all I know is that it is equally impairing no matter what you label it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you have never dealt with shyness or anxiety then consider yourself very blessed.

I have found trying to explain being shy or socially anxious to those who have never experienced it before to be exhausting and in the end you get nowhere because all they have to offer you is what you have been trying to offer yourself for years. Really? All I have to do is get out of my comfort zone and stop caring so much about what other people think? Why didn't I think of that? You mean all I have to do is talk? I just need to grow up and get over it? Wow that seems so simple.

If only it was.

Then you have the people that tell you how they used to be "so shy" but somehow they managed to pull themselves from the depths of shy's hell and try to offer you the advice that helped them overcome it. Thanks for the advice but it is like putting your car key in someone else's ignition. It might seem to fit but it won't make it go anywhere.

So what is being shy really like? Well it is like being imprisoned in your own head. I really do have a lot to say but getting the words out there is whole other story. Being shy has gotten in the way of so many things In my life and I am at my wits end. It has gotten in the way of potential jobs, school, relationships, and just in stupid little everyday situations that normal people wouldn't even think twice about. Every social encounter feels like a TSA Patdown. I feel Exposed, violated, and exhausted.

So why can't I just try stepping out of my comfort zone? Well, the good news is that I can, but it is also mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting so it has to be small amounts at a time.. And normally people give up on me before I can make any sort of progress. Expecting me to magically break out of my shell is like expecting a 300 pound asthmatic obese person to run a marathon with no training.

You might be wondering... Physically exhausting? How can that be? Well social situations are more tiring to me than my daily 7 mile run. I don't leave with a runners high, I leave with a headache.

I think what angers me the most about being shy is that I feel that people don't really know me. They see me as the quiet, boring, awkward person instead of the passionate, opinionated, creative, and completely awesome ( ok maybe not ) person that I feel like on the inside. It is like being in a dark prison screaming for someone to let you out but not a soul can hear you.

There is a constant inner battle going on in my head and I am so tired of fighting. I love words. I love talking. But why can't I? Why cant I just be normal?

Happiness Only Exists When Shared

"Happiness only exists when shared". Although it had been years since I heard this quote from the movie Into The Wild it recently popped into my head and I have found it to be very true. ( who knew? ) I have been able to experience a lot if new things lately. Beautiful scenery, new surroundings, and different cultures...but it is hard to truly enjoy these things without having someone to share it with. There are the times that I get to share some of these experiences with my husband when he is not working but a lot of the time It ends up just being me and my iPhone. Thankfully I get to share some of these experiences with you through twitter or Facebook but it is not the same. I think everyday about how much I wish some of my family or friends could come visit and experience all of these things with me.

Come visit me soon? Please?

Casual Love

Casual love... No, I don't mean casual sex. When I say casual love I mean using the word love in a casual way. Sure you may love your lucky charms, your new car, shoes, chipotle ( oh chipotle how I miss you and your veggie tacos ) but love loses it's value when you use it often, and casually.

I can't really say where the inspiration for this blog came but all I have to say is this: if you truly love someone, look them in the eyes and say it like you mean it. I hate the feeling of the phrase "I love you" becoming nothing but routine. I am the queen of routines and am guilty as charged for making this phrase one of mine. I feel like there is so much more I could express on this subject but seeing as though I am typing this on my phone.. My thumbs are already beginning to shut down.

On that note I will close with this: Don't say I love you unless you really mean it, and when you do, say it with passion as it should be said. Love is such a passionate thing. Don't let that die.

Who Am I?

I never really knew what it meant to question who I was until now. I would hear people talking about "finding themselves" or "searching for their true selves" but I always found it strange. Who am I? You are Amber Harman Haas silly. Two last names... Identity crisis problem number one. But for real, thinking deeper...who am I?

I find myself wishing I was like someone else nearly 100% of the time. Wishing I was as successful as, pretty as, outgoing as, and etc as that person on tv, the Internet, or across the street. So when instead of wishing I was like someone else and think...maybe I should just be me I find that I have no idea who that is. Maybe I am afraid of me, or just don't like me, and of course I always wonder how others perceive me.

So who am I?

Good question, but I have no answer yet.

Happy Tuesday!

Hit The Wall?

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog lately...probably not to other bloggers standards but to my previous blogging everyday standards...well just so you know I am not purposely neglecting it. I actually have had a lot of time to blog but the internet has been slower than a constipated puppy. I don't even know if anything I am typing right now is going to publish.

Lets just say that no car, no job, and no internet leads me with nothing left but Running, and watching movie, after movie until Eric wakes up. I can go to the commissary for cooking, but I can only carry so much. Not to mention the baggers here are worse than car salesman. They are like "flies on shit" as my mom would say. They don't get paid and work strictly off of tips so as soon as they see someone with more than one item they rush over to bag it for you and take it to your car. Problem is, I don't have a car but I still feel obligated to pay them for bagging up all two bags worth of stuff. Lame.

Anywho...off for a run. I should just see how far I can go before I hit the wall. Mmm maybe not.

Mind Tornado

I feel like blogging...but the problem is I don't know where to start. I am afraid to go off on a tangent. There are a lot of things I am thinking about right now, but they are in such a jumbled mess and I am too lazy to organize them. ( Yes I am THAT lazy ). I think the biggest problem is that it is more than one emotion twirling through my mind like a tornado. I think I will let it twirl around for a bit. I am not in the storm chasers kind of mood. Hopefully it won't be too destructive. I will survey the damage later.

Happy Wednesday!

Rainy Days and No Car

The sun is almost up...and the day has decided to kick off with some rain. Rain isn't so bad...I just don't particularly like running in it, and it makes walking to the commissary a little more difficult....in fact I decided to go a day without paper towels in order to avoid the cold wet misery of walking in the rain. I know, I won't melt but there is just something about walking in the cold wet rain that sends shivers down my spine. I will run in it for over an hour, but walking in it for a half mile is out of the question. Thankfully when Eric woke up he drove down tot he commissary and got my beloved paper towels.

It sucks not being able to drive. ( In case you were wondering why I didn't just drive myself to the store ). I don't have a license here. I plan on getting it eventually but I am still a little boggled by the difference in driving laws here. The autobahn is not as scary as you would think. It does have speed limits just not the whole time. Some sections will have a speed limit of 100km, then sometimes it will let you pick the speed. It is the street driving that is nuts. I will walk, bike, and take the train as much as possible. I think my bike will be most valuable to me as soon as it arrives. I can get everywhere I want by bike but unfortunately it is sitting at a port somewhere in the states waiting to be shipped over here.

Until then...I shall walk.

Out for a rainy run.

Happy Sunday! Oh and here is what's for dinner tonight www.amberhaas.com give it a try :)

Guten Tag

There is nothing like a bowl of oatmeal and an early morning showing of You, Me, and Dupree. The joys of AFN TV. I don't mind it much. They do play a good amount of movies at least, even ones I would never think of watching but usually there is nothing else on leaving me no choice but to watch them and in the end I usually enjoy them. Thanks AFN. I am even starting to love their little cheesy AFN commercials. So far they have taught me to report domestic abuse, demand respect, and watch out for identity stealing e-mails. Oh what would I do without AFN commercials?

Throughout this little German journey thus far I have found myself beginning to fear the moment when all of these new sites and surroundings become familiar. I already find myself feeling guilty for not working or being of little use as Eric goes to work at night and I go to sleep. I have heard my share of "typical army wife lifestyles" and fear to ever be put in that category. If you are wondering what the definition of a "typical army wife" is, well there are a few words that are commonly used to describe them such as: Lazy, fat, dramatic, money suckers. I am sure there are words I missed but that about sums it up. Just to clarify this is not my impression or opinion of an army wife. I actually haven't met any other wives yet. This is just how I have heard them described. Pretty sad description right? You can probably see why I don't ever want to be put into the "typical army wife" category..or why I don't typically like being called an army wife. If this is the image that name portrays then that is not what I would like to be called. I have developed a rather large fear of being labeled as this, and honestly I think Army wives deserve more credit and a better name.

Anywho, hope you are all enjoying your Saturday. I miss going to the farmers market with my family and cooking my Saturday dinners. It has been hard to get a food blog up as I have not really cooked anything blog worthy...which depresses me a bit. I have learned a lot in cooking the past few months and really hope to continue to learn and develop more skills. Oh and do me a favor. If you have an awesome mexican restaurant nearby, or a chipotle...eat there for me. I miss mexican food SO much. I am as close to Mexican as Mexican gets here...and I am only a half breed... not to mention you would never know it because of my ghost-like complexion.

I think I know what is for dinner. Enchiladas anyone?

Smells Like Home

Germany still ceases to amaze me. I love running through the forest everyday, and just enjoying my surroundings.

Yesterday Eric and I went to a natural foods store here in Germany called Alnatura. It is basically the German version of a Trader Joe's I guess you could say. They carry most of their own brand of organics. Although, I think they have more selection and the prices are more on the Whole Foods side. As soon as we stepped foot inside the store I felt a familiar sense of home. It had that natural food store scent which is usually a mix of natural fragrance and fresh baked bread. Thank God, Organic food! A smile instantly struck my face in excitement, and my eyes glazed over at the site of all of the bounty of organic fruits and veggies.  Being as there is no organic produce options at our local commissary (nearly devastating for me )  I stocked up on Organic produce. Yay no more dirty food.

Luckily I have spent enough time grocery shopping  and working in Organic markets that I know what stuff is without being able to read German. I don't buy much processed food anyways so I don't have to try and translate what the heck is in something. Produce was easy to buy of course. They did do it a bit differently however. We had a close call to looking like complete morons but luckily Eric spotted that we were supposed to weigh our fruits and veggies on this little scale thingy, select what type they were, and then it printed out a barcode that you stuck on the bag. Nifty. It is like going through self checkout...before you check out.

I have noticed that when I am off base and in a public place ( like in Alnatura ) I find myself speaking as little as possible in order to not be recognized as an American. Being as I am naturally socially retarded and shy this isn't much of a stretch for me...but it is the little things that I forget. Like when you bump into someone....saying "sorry, or "excuse me" will completely blow your cover. I know I probably have American written all over my forehead already..which is fine, I just don't want the title of "stupid American".  Which knowing no German at all I could easily be labeled as so. Because of this, I am building up motivation to learn as much German as I can while here. I would like to be able to speak common German phrases at least in order to get by, shop on the German economy, and at the farmers market.

Well I better get started on that German.

Tschüß!