Honestly

I'm happy. I love my life, and I am extremely thankful for what I have. I know that I am very fortunate, but is it ever okay to not be okay? Can you feel happy, and fortunate yet sad at the same time? At what point is it okay, to say "No, I'm not okay"?

This year I have made a new promise to myself...and that promise is to be as honest and open as possible in all aspects of life. Of course, it is a work in progress... because this all means being a bit vulnerable, which to me is one of the worst feelings in the world. Its like running around naked...in the cold, while being chased by someone trying to whip you with a wet towel.

So what does this new pact of honesty mean to me? It means getting a little uncomfortable, exposing myself ( emotionally...not physically. Scared you for a sec huh? ), being honest with myself, and with others. When someone asks me if I am okay, my automatic response is always "yes". Any other answer leaves me feeling vulnerable. Not being "okay" means there is something wrong...or that I am not as strong as I would like to appear...but I am finding that the biggest sign of strength is being true and honest. It is one of the hardest things to do right? Honesty is true strength. So I guess its time to be strong and I will start by saying that no, I am not okay..but I am happy. I have a bit of a hump to get over, but admitting this does not mean that I am not strong enough to get over it. Honesty also comes into play when it comes to relationships/friendships...if I don't agree with something, have a problem with you or feel a certain way...I am going to try my best to be up front about it...no matter how hard it is. I think everyone deserves the truth, even when it is hard to hear.

I will always be that friend that tells you when you have something in your teeth.

Time to get a little more honest. Life is just getting started.

Long Time No Blog

Long time no blog. I guess you could say I have had a bit of a bloggers block, but I guess I shouldn't let that stop me from rambling on about nothing as usual. Whats the big difference except that it is a lot harder than usual to write about the same amount of nothing important?

Well, I guess I could give a little life update. I am still in culinary school, however, I am almost done. Crazy to think that one year ago I was one of those sad chaps I pass in the hallway with the new uniform fold creases, and terrified looks on their face. They to, will get to be this awesome some day...kidding. I still have a lot to learn, and I am excited to keep learning. In fact, you never stop learning as a chef. This fact is one of the most exciting things about becoming one.

On the exercise front, I am still running, however I have discovered a little thing called CrossFit. If you don't know me, you should know that I am very competitive. I keep that on the D.L. though. CrossFit kind of fills that competitive need I have in my life. The only problem is that I get my ass kicked everyday. I have been a runner for so long that strength is still not my strong point. I am humbled everyday by CrossFit. It puts me in my place. Which is usually on the ground in a puddle of sweat.

I am not going to lie, I thought about abandoning this blog and starting fresh...but I couldn't do it. I have come a long way in this whole journey of life lately and there are still things that have been left unwritten. It has been such a long time since I have truly sat down and blogged that it is hard for me to sort out my thoughts but it is time I organize my thoughts and get re-acquainted with my keyboard.

On Being Shy

Sometimes I am still awkward. Alright so...the majority of the time I am still awkward. I guess it depends on who I am with, but usually my awkwardness includes awkward laughter ( sometimes at inappropriate times ), selective mutism, or if I am actually able to spit out a few words it is completely off the wall. Welcome to my life.

I know, people say that being shy is not a bad thing, but it is to me. I hate it. Why? Because people seem to get the wrong impressions of me. They either think I am stuck up, or stupid. Well, one of those might be true... but trust me, if I was stuck up I wouldn't choose to portray it by not talking to you. I try to counter-act the stuck up judgement by smiling. But then I get more of the "I smile because I have no idea what is going on look." 

I guess you could say that I hate being shy so much that it actually gets me down sometimes... I mean, I kind of started this whole blog on the subject. I know that being shy could possibly "just be part of who I am." but I still don't think I really am a shy person. I have plenty to say, but for some reason I choose to not to speak. Maybe being shy is more of a defense mechanism for me than anything. Perhaps I am afraid to let people see who I really am. So what is it I am afraid they will see?

Curdled Eggs and Tart Dough

Seems as if I have fallen off of the blog everyday in June wagon. Well, despite missing a few days I am going to keep on trekkin. I have been a bit busier than normal baking in the kitchen to prepare for my final exam tomorrow. Our practical exam consists of:

Tart dough

Pate a choux

Crème Anglaise

Pastry Cream

Ganache

So in case you didn't know Tart dough means making a whole fresh berry tart with the pastry cream included. The Pate a Choux, Creme Anglaise, and Ganache all go together to form an Eclair.  Seems pretty easy right? Well.. yes, but there are so many things that could go disastrously wrong. I could measure any of these recipes wrong and doom myself from the beginning, I could under cook the Pate a Choux ( which makes them impossible to fill ), I can over cook my Pate a Choux and create a not so favorable texture,  I can over cook my custard causing the eggs to curdle, or I could temper it wrong and also cause the eggs to curdle. Time is also a factor so I have to make sure to make a plan and stick to it. My dough needs to be chilled, and my custards need to be set...timing, timing, timing.

I'm a little stressed out. 

Passion. Food. Cooking. Love

Passion. Food. Cooking. Love.... these four words are some of the most important words in my vocabulary. While at crossfit today I discovered that not everyone has a love for food like I do. Surprise surprise. The owner of the crossfit gym I go to expressed his lack of love for food and eating. He said he doesn't necessarily "enjoy" eating and can just buy a steak, cook it, and eat it with nothing on it. Woah. Salt and pepper at least man. That is like... an unforgivable sin. You might as well just eat seitan.

I don't just love food, but I love the whole process behind it and the passion you can put into it. For me, I cook with the purpose of love. I know, that sounds cheesy as hell... ( mmm cheese.) but it's true. I love cooking for people I love, and I want people to feel the love through my food. I don't ever want the passion and love behind cooking to die for me. It makes me nervous when I have to remember the business side of food and cooking. I am taking a few classes this quarter that deal with running your own restaurant, managing employees, menu pricing...etc. It is scary to think that passion might one day be substituted for stress and money. I don't ever want my love for cooking to be just another business. I understand it comes with the occupation...otherwise I should of just become a housewife right? Well, lets not get too domestic. I love me some excitement and competition too.

It will be interesting to see where I will fit in the food world. People ask me all the time what I want to do with my culinary degree after I graduate. I know I want to start off in restaurants to gain experience and knowledge but I still haven't quite decided what I want to do after that. I can picture it...but I can't map out the steps yet. It is kind of a mind puzzle with missing pieces. All I know is that I want use my cooking skills towards something other than to feed my own ego. I want to help people. Yes, I know...that is what potential doctors say and we both know I am not that smart but really, I want food to be able to bring people together, help them reconnect to their food, know how it is grown, where it comes from, and how to cook it.

As you can probably see, food is more than something I enjoy eating. There is so much more meaning behind it. I suggest you find out what it means to you. Yep, that's right. Go cook something.


Seriously, stop thinking about how "inconvenient" cooking is and think about how convenient it is that you have something called a kitchen which is meant to be used.

Happy cooking!

Subscription Addiction

 Today's topic for BEDJ is on Movies, TV, music...etc. etc...and I must say I think I have a subscription problem...Netflix, Hulu, Pandora, Spotify.... all such great ways to waste time and procrastinate. 

 Believe it or not I hardly have any patience for anything but documentaries.... they are the only thing that keeps my attention these days. I don't really know why that is... guess I am just not really into fictional characters or stories at the moment. I am kind of on a real life kick. My "personalized" Netflix suggestions suggest that I am a complete nerd...and I am not ashamed one bit. Netflix, you truly do know me. Although Netflix seems to know my taste in films these days Pandora still doesn't quite get the music right. They only make you believe for a minute that the channel you created will actually generate songs that are similar to the artist you created the channel for. Oh and be careful on what you thumbs up. One wrong thumbs up and you are going to hear Justin Bieber everyday for the rest of that channels life. Don't screw up your Pandora channel. Thumbs up at your own risk.

I am also a proud Hulu plus subscriber. I can watch TV without actually watching TV. Therefore, I can still qualify as one of those douche bags that says "I don't watch much TV" and pretend I don't have time, am to good for it, and don't know what is really going on in the world when in reality I just watch that shiz on my computer.

I have also gotten into Spotify lately, which is great because you can listen to whatever you want and don't have to thumbs up or thumb down anything The only risk is when you are listening to something that is your guilty pleasure and it ends up telling everyone on Facebook what you are listening to. Listen at your own risk, or turn on private session....then again I could be the only one who is ashamed of the music they listen to.

What are your guilty listening and watching pleasures? ( Keep it R rated please ) :P 

Better Late Than Never

I almost didn't get a blog post in today. I normally blog in the morning but had to finish up my homework which took longer than expected. I still didn't finish it until just now after getting home from class. Needless to say this post is pretty much a bunch of BS but for some reason you are still reading. Why are you reading this right now? Seriously, you must be trying to kill some serious time.

Still reading? Well, okay I guess I will tell you about my day. I had fun today... as I have been doing in class the past 10 weeks. Believe it or not I am actually starting to enjoy meeting new people. Culinary school definitely forces you to communicate at times I would usually chose to keep my mouth shut. I think the biggest thing I have learned lately is that people can really surprise you. Sometimes its not always a good surprise but when it is... its pretty awesome.

Dreaming Big

It is rare that I get the chance to feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I am feeling more and more comfortable with myself these days but there are still times when I forget that it's okay to be me and not care so much about what other people think. For whatever reason, for darn near my whole life, I have cared more about what others think of me than what I think of myself. Why would I care so much about what others think? It is my life right?

It is interesting to look at just how drastically my life has been affected by my "what do people think of me" paranoia. Not only has it affected me in my everyday life but it has prevented me from being okay with dreaming big. There are times I dream of things I want to do in my life...but then I leave it at just a dream. But does it have to stay a dream? What am I truly capable of? There are times that I choose not to express big dreams and goals with others in fear that they will think that I am in fact only dreaming, have my head stuck in the clouds, and need to come back down to reality. But what exactly is reality and why would I want to come back to it if it sucks? Sure everyone can use a reality check once in awhile but that doesn't mean you can't create realistic goals to pursue a dream.

So now for the scary part. Actually expressing my dreams verbally...or in this case in written form. What have I been dreaming about? Lately I have been thinking about what I want to do after I graduate from culinary school. What do I want to do, and where do I want to go? Since I feel like it can be accomplished I am going to call it a plan rather than a dream. So here is my plan:

Over spring break I got the opportunity to visit a little place called Washington D.C. you may or may not have heard of it.... I knew that it had an awesome food scene and I had been there once before on a day trip with my brother, but getting to experience it for a whole weeks worth of time not only led me to see just how much people in D.C. love their food but I fell in love with the city and culture. My "dream" or plan would be to move to D.C. after I graduate, and work in a few restaurants in the area to gain some experience... or maybe, I would get the chance to work or intern at D.C. Central kitchen. If I really want to get my head in the clouds I could dream of being a chef in the white house...but I think I will give myself a reality check on that one! I have lived on the West coast my whole life so it would be awesome to experience life on the East coast. So is this just a dream? Guess we will find out...but what isn't a dream is another trip to D.C. at the end of June. Watch out D.C. here I come.

Sawdust?

Blog everyday in June...day #2 So apparently I was supposed to blog about food yesterday for the Food Friday theme but I had already posted for the day when this decision was made. Fail #1 and onto day #2. Blogging everyday used to be pretty easy for me. I almost did it for a whole year. I don't know how I did that... its not like I had anything exciting to blog about...nor do I now, but I think I made up for that year of blogging everyday by blogging only a handful of times this year. But hey less is more right? Especially when it comes to my mind vomit that used to be more regularly spewed onto this blog.

Speaking of vomit... for whatever reason, when I think of vomit I always follow it up with the thought of sawdust. This may seem even stranger than the norm, but I think it stems back from elementary school. When I was in elementary school and child vomited they would cover it in sawdust before cleaning it up. Is this like a thing? A secret to the cleaning of vomit? Or, is it like a religious thing? I went to a Christian school so you never know...maybe it was symbolic and they were covering it in "cross shavings." Maybe they saw puke as a sort of natural exorcism? Or maybe it was just left over shavings from Jesus's carpenter days. Whatever the reason, it will always stick in my mind. Every time I vomit I smell a hint of pine. Not that I vomit on a regular basis...

Anyways...moving away form the vomit talk. Since I haven't really posted in awhile I guess I could do a quick update on what I have been up to. This may be similar to a conversation you have with a friend you haven't seen in awhile...this is the part where you nod and smile, pretend that you are paying attention, and maybe even care a little. I will try and keep it short and sweet.

My life in a nutshell:
I go to culinary school, I run, I do Crossfit, I cook, I eat paleo. I will expand on this at a later time... I mean, I have the rest of June right?

Happy Saturday! 

Blog Everyday in June BEDJ

If you haven't noticed, or are new to my blog I have been a bit of a blogging rut lately.  ( when I say lately I mean for like the past year ) So what is better for a blogging rut than to make a commitment to blog everyday for a month? Well, it probably doesn't seem like the brightest idea but what can I say, I love to torture myself. I have a serious brain clog at the moment when it comes to blogging so I guess blogging everyday in June is my hopeful bottle of drano. Drano is some powerful stuff so who knows what will spill onto this blog in the next month. I may go uncensored. Watch out. ( I'm really not that exciting but I like to pretend I am ). Happy June everyone! For now check out some other BEDJ participants:

Heather: http://musingsofheather.wordpress.com/
Edwin: http://myadultbrain.com/
GirlFrmMars: http://www.girlfrmmars.com/
Tom: http://tomfromhr.com/


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One Year Later

It has been a year since I returned home from Germany. It's been a crazy one, but I survived...and when I say survived, I mean that I am no longer living life just going through the motions. I can feel again. I guess you could say I was numb... numb to both good, and bad feelings. That being said, everything I feel isn't always a good feeling but I will take it over feeling nothing at all. It is kind of like a deep tissue massage. It might be painful at the time but it is necessary to get the knots out. 

Looking back over the past year I see that I have come a long way. It may not seem like it from an outsiders perspective... I am still going to school and living with my parents but the progress is on the inside. I have really grown personally in a way that I never thought possible. I am starting to think less, step out of my comfort zone a little more everyday, and I am seeing that the world is not such a scary place after all. Fear has been the ultimate ruler of my life for a long time, but I am finally figuring out how to fight back. The battle against fear is not over, nor will it be anytime soon, but I refuse to ever let it completely take over my life again. Cheers to another year!

Living

Yesterday I did something I haven't done in years. I went skateboarding. I know, you are probably wondering.."Aren't you a little old for that?" or as my mom put it "you are going back to that huh?" Well no, I am not "going back to that" but I am going back to living life. Looking back I am starting to realize that at some point I stopped truly living and just started going through the motions of life. I was on autopilot and failed to realize it until now.

Life is getting real. In the past I got caught up in how I thought "I should" be living. I hung up my skateboard and got married. I thought that is what you do when you become an adult...you stop having fun and "grow up". Little did I know that not only is there room for fun in your adult life, but it is a necessity. What is the point of life if you can't have any fun? For the first time in a long time, I put all my worries aside and headed to the skatepark with my old skate buddy Ben. Holy high school memories.

I may not be the skater I once was, but going skateboarding yesterday held so much more meaning than it used to. The piece of wood that was under my feet felt a little foreign at first, but I could still control it, just as I realized I had re-gained control of my life. Yep, I am a 25 year old woman on a skateboard.... so what?

I never really knew what it felt like to live life in the moment. I was always looking forward or backwards, but now, I think it is pretty safe to say that I am living life in the moment and the possibilities seem endless. I am excited about life. I am still learning from the past, but I am enjoying the present, and excited for the future.

Striving for Perfection

First week of school down, and only 10 to go. It seems like a long time but I know the weeks will go by fast. They always do.

I am taking World Cuisine and Latin Cuisine this quarter. I have one chef instructor that is the same as last quarter she is awesome and I am glad to have her again. The other instructor for Latin is a new one which made me a little nervous, but so far he seems like a cool guy. He is from Israel, is a retired captain of the Israeli army, and graduated from the Culinary Institute of America. He knows his stuff and he loves to talk about it. He is light hearted and funny, but then also reminds us that no one is as serious as he is when it comes to food.

Thursday, on our first day of class, he talked for over an hour on his background, what he expects, and information on Latin cuisine. We didn't get to start cooking until about 4:30pm. In his thick accent he said to us "I am going to keep talking so that you feel the pressure. If I didn't pressure you I would be doing you a disservice. So those of you doing the Mole Verde today, as soon as I stop talking you will be needing to start running like a chicken with no head." Yep, that was me.

Although I definitely had to run in order to get all my ingredients, get my beans on the stove, and get the pork cooking I was able to pull it off without any problems. He spent a lot of time critiquing each group. Keeping our food warm until he came to critique our group was the biggest hurdle of the night considering he came to us last. Our groups food came out great, and I was the only one that didn't have raw beans in my mole. Although it is common sense, no one cooked their beans before putting them in their dish. Duh. Go me, I used my brain. Woohoo.

My new goal is to really take advantage of every chance I get to cook something new, and to cook as often as possible. Practice makes perfect right? I don't know how perfect food can get considering so much of it depends on preference but I would like to get as close as I can--this also means not being afraid of failure which is something I struggle with.

Cheers to a new quarter!

R.I.P. Grandpa

Both my blog and I have had a birthday since I last posted. My blog is now two years old, and I...well lets just say I am a little older. I also attended my grandpa's funeral since I last wrote.

My Grandpa's death has been something I have been afraid of since I was a little kid. Ever since I found out what cigarettes were and saw him smoking one, I immediately began to worry he wasn't going to be around much longer to come visit, make us laugh, or hear his deep voice echo through the house at the ass crack of dawn. I wanted him to live as long as he could...I loved him. I am a weird kid like that--worrying about other people dying and all. The weird thing is though, I still worry about people in this way. I don't think anyone really understands it...hell, I am not sure I do, but all I know is that I just want to keep the people I love around me for as long as I can. This is why I get anal and annoying when it comes to eating healthy food. If I bitch and moan to you about your food choices...guess what? It just means I love you, and that I want you to be around for as long as possible. I can't help it.

On second thought, maybe I should just start smoking, stop exercising, eating junk food, and drinking so that I will have everyone around me forever, which wouldn't end up being so long. Guess that would just be a long drawn out way of comitting suicide. Mmm no thanks.

Back to my Grandpa- He ended up sticking around for awhile. His visits were less frequent once he moved back down to Southern California but he still drove up to visit on occasion. He made it to a few basketball and soccer games, and my wedding. When he wasn't really up to the drive of coming to visit anymore I always looked forward to visiting him and my grandma. Visiting was always entertaining... the relationship between my grandma and grandpa was definitely a love hate relationship.

I really wish I could express my grandpa's sense of humor, but it is too unique to express through a blog. He created his own catch phrases that got picked up by other family members and passed down through generations.

Unfortunately my Grandpa did end up passing away from cancer. He made it to and older age than the average American male but I can't help but wish I had him around longer. Cigarettes suck. My grandpa however, was one cool cat.

R.I.P. Grandpa I miss you already