Thursday, September 16, 2010

Checking Out

I was hit by a chocolate chip cookie craving this of course I ran out to the store to get some chocolate chips. There is no denying a chocolate chip cookie craving. After I picked up my trusty gluten free/vegan chocolate chips and a few other breakfast items I headed to the checkout. There is nothing I hate more than a grocery store without a self check out. There is the first eye contact awkwardness and the where do I put my basket without looking like ajerk scenario...the  search for the conveyor belt item separator, and then of course the initial meet and greet with your clerk. "Hi, how are you?" Is the most common of greetings heard...I wonder how many times they have said these four words in just one hour. Regardless, I always respond "good how are you?" I wonder how many times they have been asked that...or why anyone even bothers. Even if they were not "good" what else could they say? They just want to get you out of their hair is fast as possible.

Then when the bag boy comes into play you get the option of choosing "paper? or plastic?" Seeing as paper is more environmentally friendly and doubles as a dog poop bag, I always choose paper. But the problem with choosing paper is how awkward it can be to say the word paper. I mean, you want to be friendly..but have you ever tried to say the word paper with a friendly tone of voice? It is almost impossible without sounding like a pre-pubescent boy. Say it right now in your friendliest tone. I will be the bagger and you the customer. "Paper or Plastic?" now say paper in a friendly joyful manner. Notice the near voice crack at the end? Is it just me? Paper may be environmentally friendly but not so voice tone friendly. 

See these are the things that go through a socially retarded person's mind as they go to the grocery store. It gets even better when you have to buy feminine products...

Of course self check out machines can get a little awkward too. I once had a friend who tried to buy condoms through self check only to have her 20 dollar swallowed up by the machine without spitting out any change. The clerk came over to assist her but she decided that 20 dollars wasn't worth the embarrassment, grabbed the condoms and ran. I would of done the same. Lesson #1 make the man buy his own dick slippers. Lesson #2 don't buy condoms through self checkout. Buy them at gas stations like real classy people. Duh. 

What is the thing you hate most about store checkouts?


  1. They put the slowest cashiers in the speedy check out lanes. GRRRR.

  2. I once saw a teenage couple buying condoms via self-check out. To make it less embarrassing, they bought some Hostess Cupcakes. My question was, "what is considered dessert?"