Goodbye 2010

Only one hour to go and it will officially be 2011. I must say that I have a lot of hope for 2011. I am wanting my biggest focus to be on running but I am also holding onto some other small hopes. I am actually a little foggy headed at the moment seeing as it is way past my bedtime. The only reason I am still awake right now is the fact that I made some deliciously sugary cookies. ( mostly healthy of course ). I am too tired to think in depth of what I hope to capture in this new year, but I will say that I hope that it will come with lots of joy and personal growth.

Not only is tomorrow the New Year but the day after that ( Jan. 2nd ) is the first birthday of this blog. Yep I typed up my first blog on Jan. 2nd 2010. Yay go me.

Happy New Year everyone!

Running for Resolutions

Resolutions, resolutions...that subject is all the rage these days. Probably because the year 2010 is almost over. Which makes me a little nervous because not only am I usually a complete failure at any sort of resolution but the year is changing to and odd number. 2011 is just not as pretty to look at. Number eleven was my number throughout my high school soccer career however so perhaps it will be a good year. So onto those New Years resolutions:

I have a few resolutions, but most importantly I would like to focus on running. I want to make 2011 the year that I run my first marathon. Not only do I want to run my first marathon, but I want to push myself harder. I would like to see what I am capable of by actually following a training plan and not just going out and running when and how far I feel like. Sure I may never be "elite runner status" or be running for the Olympic team, but I want to know what my body's full potential is. I am getting older so I feel now is a good time to really dig deep and give it my all. I have the time, energy, and great places to run. Why not right? Any coaches out there?

So now you know what my New Years resolution is. I have a few others but I think I will save those for future blogs and when I have internet that doesn't log off every 5 minutes, forcing me to type a million words a minute and skip the editing step. Just kidding I never edit my blogs. I am way to lazy for that. You should know that.

For a little update...we might be getting internet today. Cross your fingers.

Happy Thursday

Update

Just thought I would do a quick update for you all. No, I am not neglecting my blog, I have not mysteriously gotten busier since moving to Germany, or become too lazy to blog. However, I still do not have Internet which is seriously digging into my blogging time. Sure I could thumb out blogs on my iPhone but I feel like I rush them more this way. The screen is so small that it narrows my thought process. Not to mention the thought of some seriously wrong and potentially embarrassing auto correct words.

Anyways... I should have Internet again starting the 13th and then DSL by the 20th if all goes as planned. So goodbye for now, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.

Call It What You Want

Shyness, social anxiety, insecurity, call it what you want, all I know is that it is equally impairing no matter what you label it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you have never dealt with shyness or anxiety then consider yourself very blessed.

I have found trying to explain being shy or socially anxious to those who have never experienced it before to be exhausting and in the end you get nowhere because all they have to offer you is what you have been trying to offer yourself for years. Really? All I have to do is get out of my comfort zone and stop caring so much about what other people think? Why didn't I think of that? You mean all I have to do is talk? I just need to grow up and get over it? Wow that seems so simple.

If only it was.

Then you have the people that tell you how they used to be "so shy" but somehow they managed to pull themselves from the depths of shy's hell and try to offer you the advice that helped them overcome it. Thanks for the advice but it is like putting your car key in someone else's ignition. It might seem to fit but it won't make it go anywhere.

So what is being shy really like? Well it is like being imprisoned in your own head. I really do have a lot to say but getting the words out there is whole other story. Being shy has gotten in the way of so many things In my life and I am at my wits end. It has gotten in the way of potential jobs, school, relationships, and just in stupid little everyday situations that normal people wouldn't even think twice about. Every social encounter feels like a TSA Patdown. I feel Exposed, violated, and exhausted.

So why can't I just try stepping out of my comfort zone? Well, the good news is that I can, but it is also mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting so it has to be small amounts at a time.. And normally people give up on me before I can make any sort of progress. Expecting me to magically break out of my shell is like expecting a 300 pound asthmatic obese person to run a marathon with no training.

You might be wondering... Physically exhausting? How can that be? Well social situations are more tiring to me than my daily 7 mile run. I don't leave with a runners high, I leave with a headache.

I think what angers me the most about being shy is that I feel that people don't really know me. They see me as the quiet, boring, awkward person instead of the passionate, opinionated, creative, and completely awesome ( ok maybe not ) person that I feel like on the inside. It is like being in a dark prison screaming for someone to let you out but not a soul can hear you.

There is a constant inner battle going on in my head and I am so tired of fighting. I love words. I love talking. But why can't I? Why cant I just be normal?

Happiness Only Exists When Shared

"Happiness only exists when shared". Although it had been years since I heard this quote from the movie Into The Wild it recently popped into my head and I have found it to be very true. ( who knew? ) I have been able to experience a lot if new things lately. Beautiful scenery, new surroundings, and different cultures...but it is hard to truly enjoy these things without having someone to share it with. There are the times that I get to share some of these experiences with my husband when he is not working but a lot of the time It ends up just being me and my iPhone. Thankfully I get to share some of these experiences with you through twitter or Facebook but it is not the same. I think everyday about how much I wish some of my family or friends could come visit and experience all of these things with me.

Come visit me soon? Please?

Casual Love

Casual love... No, I don't mean casual sex. When I say casual love I mean using the word love in a casual way. Sure you may love your lucky charms, your new car, shoes, chipotle ( oh chipotle how I miss you and your veggie tacos ) but love loses it's value when you use it often, and casually.

I can't really say where the inspiration for this blog came but all I have to say is this: if you truly love someone, look them in the eyes and say it like you mean it. I hate the feeling of the phrase "I love you" becoming nothing but routine. I am the queen of routines and am guilty as charged for making this phrase one of mine. I feel like there is so much more I could express on this subject but seeing as though I am typing this on my phone.. My thumbs are already beginning to shut down.

On that note I will close with this: Don't say I love you unless you really mean it, and when you do, say it with passion as it should be said. Love is such a passionate thing. Don't let that die.

Who Am I?

I never really knew what it meant to question who I was until now. I would hear people talking about "finding themselves" or "searching for their true selves" but I always found it strange. Who am I? You are Amber Harman Haas silly. Two last names... Identity crisis problem number one. But for real, thinking deeper...who am I?

I find myself wishing I was like someone else nearly 100% of the time. Wishing I was as successful as, pretty as, outgoing as, and etc as that person on tv, the Internet, or across the street. So when instead of wishing I was like someone else and think...maybe I should just be me I find that I have no idea who that is. Maybe I am afraid of me, or just don't like me, and of course I always wonder how others perceive me.

So who am I?

Good question, but I have no answer yet.

Happy Tuesday!

Hit The Wall?

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog lately...probably not to other bloggers standards but to my previous blogging everyday standards...well just so you know I am not purposely neglecting it. I actually have had a lot of time to blog but the internet has been slower than a constipated puppy. I don't even know if anything I am typing right now is going to publish.

Lets just say that no car, no job, and no internet leads me with nothing left but Running, and watching movie, after movie until Eric wakes up. I can go to the commissary for cooking, but I can only carry so much. Not to mention the baggers here are worse than car salesman. They are like "flies on shit" as my mom would say. They don't get paid and work strictly off of tips so as soon as they see someone with more than one item they rush over to bag it for you and take it to your car. Problem is, I don't have a car but I still feel obligated to pay them for bagging up all two bags worth of stuff. Lame.

Anywho...off for a run. I should just see how far I can go before I hit the wall. Mmm maybe not.

Mind Tornado

I feel like blogging...but the problem is I don't know where to start. I am afraid to go off on a tangent. There are a lot of things I am thinking about right now, but they are in such a jumbled mess and I am too lazy to organize them. ( Yes I am THAT lazy ). I think the biggest problem is that it is more than one emotion twirling through my mind like a tornado. I think I will let it twirl around for a bit. I am not in the storm chasers kind of mood. Hopefully it won't be too destructive. I will survey the damage later.

Happy Wednesday!

Rainy Days and No Car

The sun is almost up...and the day has decided to kick off with some rain. Rain isn't so bad...I just don't particularly like running in it, and it makes walking to the commissary a little more difficult....in fact I decided to go a day without paper towels in order to avoid the cold wet misery of walking in the rain. I know, I won't melt but there is just something about walking in the cold wet rain that sends shivers down my spine. I will run in it for over an hour, but walking in it for a half mile is out of the question. Thankfully when Eric woke up he drove down tot he commissary and got my beloved paper towels.

It sucks not being able to drive. ( In case you were wondering why I didn't just drive myself to the store ). I don't have a license here. I plan on getting it eventually but I am still a little boggled by the difference in driving laws here. The autobahn is not as scary as you would think. It does have speed limits just not the whole time. Some sections will have a speed limit of 100km, then sometimes it will let you pick the speed. It is the street driving that is nuts. I will walk, bike, and take the train as much as possible. I think my bike will be most valuable to me as soon as it arrives. I can get everywhere I want by bike but unfortunately it is sitting at a port somewhere in the states waiting to be shipped over here.

Until then...I shall walk.

Out for a rainy run.

Happy Sunday! Oh and here is what's for dinner tonight www.amberhaas.com give it a try :)

Guten Tag

There is nothing like a bowl of oatmeal and an early morning showing of You, Me, and Dupree. The joys of AFN TV. I don't mind it much. They do play a good amount of movies at least, even ones I would never think of watching but usually there is nothing else on leaving me no choice but to watch them and in the end I usually enjoy them. Thanks AFN. I am even starting to love their little cheesy AFN commercials. So far they have taught me to report domestic abuse, demand respect, and watch out for identity stealing e-mails. Oh what would I do without AFN commercials?

Throughout this little German journey thus far I have found myself beginning to fear the moment when all of these new sites and surroundings become familiar. I already find myself feeling guilty for not working or being of little use as Eric goes to work at night and I go to sleep. I have heard my share of "typical army wife lifestyles" and fear to ever be put in that category. If you are wondering what the definition of a "typical army wife" is, well there are a few words that are commonly used to describe them such as: Lazy, fat, dramatic, money suckers. I am sure there are words I missed but that about sums it up. Just to clarify this is not my impression or opinion of an army wife. I actually haven't met any other wives yet. This is just how I have heard them described. Pretty sad description right? You can probably see why I don't ever want to be put into the "typical army wife" category..or why I don't typically like being called an army wife. If this is the image that name portrays then that is not what I would like to be called. I have developed a rather large fear of being labeled as this, and honestly I think Army wives deserve more credit and a better name.

Anywho, hope you are all enjoying your Saturday. I miss going to the farmers market with my family and cooking my Saturday dinners. It has been hard to get a food blog up as I have not really cooked anything blog worthy...which depresses me a bit. I have learned a lot in cooking the past few months and really hope to continue to learn and develop more skills. Oh and do me a favor. If you have an awesome mexican restaurant nearby, or a chipotle...eat there for me. I miss mexican food SO much. I am as close to Mexican as Mexican gets here...and I am only a half breed... not to mention you would never know it because of my ghost-like complexion.

I think I know what is for dinner. Enchiladas anyone?

Smells Like Home

Germany still ceases to amaze me. I love running through the forest everyday, and just enjoying my surroundings.

Yesterday Eric and I went to a natural foods store here in Germany called Alnatura. It is basically the German version of a Trader Joe's I guess you could say. They carry most of their own brand of organics. Although, I think they have more selection and the prices are more on the Whole Foods side. As soon as we stepped foot inside the store I felt a familiar sense of home. It had that natural food store scent which is usually a mix of natural fragrance and fresh baked bread. Thank God, Organic food! A smile instantly struck my face in excitement, and my eyes glazed over at the site of all of the bounty of organic fruits and veggies.  Being as there is no organic produce options at our local commissary (nearly devastating for me )  I stocked up on Organic produce. Yay no more dirty food.

Luckily I have spent enough time grocery shopping  and working in Organic markets that I know what stuff is without being able to read German. I don't buy much processed food anyways so I don't have to try and translate what the heck is in something. Produce was easy to buy of course. They did do it a bit differently however. We had a close call to looking like complete morons but luckily Eric spotted that we were supposed to weigh our fruits and veggies on this little scale thingy, select what type they were, and then it printed out a barcode that you stuck on the bag. Nifty. It is like going through self checkout...before you check out.

I have noticed that when I am off base and in a public place ( like in Alnatura ) I find myself speaking as little as possible in order to not be recognized as an American. Being as I am naturally socially retarded and shy this isn't much of a stretch for me...but it is the little things that I forget. Like when you bump into someone....saying "sorry, or "excuse me" will completely blow your cover. I know I probably have American written all over my forehead already..which is fine, I just don't want the title of "stupid American".  Which knowing no German at all I could easily be labeled as so. Because of this, I am building up motivation to learn as much German as I can while here. I would like to be able to speak common German phrases at least in order to get by, shop on the German economy, and at the farmers market.

Well I better get started on that German.

Tschüß!

At Peace

Another day in Germany, and I hate to think that these surroundings will soon become familiar, but they are anything but ordinary. I love seeing new sights, and new surroundings. I learn something new everyday. Whether it is how to get back into the base using this thing called "the box" ( this thing still terrifies me because there is the potential to get stuck in it )., or a new word in German. Just being able to observe the German culture is so captivating to me. While out on my run I see elderly people riding their bikes for transportation and leisure. In America, people their age would be parked in front of the TV, maybe not by choice but in our culture if we see 70-80 year olds riding bikes we would automatically worry about them falling and breaking a hip. Over here...it is just the norm. I love the look on their faces when they ride their bikes in the woods...they know how to enjoy life here, and I think it is rubbing off on me. I haven't been this free of anxiety in a long time. It is freeing, and I feel so at peace.

Happy Monday, make it meatless!

P.S. Going grocery shopping today, I am done neglecting my food blog! I should have a new post up by Wednesday at the latest.

Exploring Germany One Step At a Time

I look like a creepy forest knome

I ran off base for the first time yesterday. I was starting to go stir crazy running in circles like a hamster on base and finally just decided to conquer my fear of thinking that for some reason the guards wouldn't let me back in the base. I am glad I did because I discovered a whole new world. 


When I was running on base near the gate the other day, I noticed an army unit running back to base from off of a path outside the fence. I needed to find out where this path went. I managed to build up enough courage and take my first steps alone off of base grounds. Right foot, Left foot. Ah, freedom. Out of the gates and past the guards I went. I found the path that I was looking for and started my journey of discovery. At first my journey started out like this:

Pretty, but I had no idea what else I would discover. I made a right hand turn at the end of this road and ran along side this:

and this...

To my surprise, I ran into a trail at the end of the road. I can't resist a trail so I followed it.

I ran down this trail for awhile...making sure not to make any turns so I could find my way home...but my watch has navigation...DUH. So left I went where I found these handsome fellas.

It is kind of hard to see from an iphone but yes, those are Bison grazing. Apparently there is some sort of animal reserve in the middle of the forest. There was also what looked to be some sort of wile boar. (all I know is that it was a hairy pig looking thing ). and etc. 

After stopping to observe these fine creatures I continued on my run.

I found a lake...

Speak German anyone? I have no idea what this says...but I am pretty sure it talks about the different species of animals living in that lake.

The weirdest part of the run is the fact that I ran into what seemed to be some sort of entertainment park in the middle of the Forest. There was awesome playgrounds for kids, oh and Mini Golf...yes. Who doesn't love mini golf in the middle of an awesome forest? Who knows what else there is to be discovered. I ended up heading home due to fatigue but will be back out today and ready to explore some more. Hopefully I don't get eatin by a bear..or some sort of weird Harry Potter like creature.

Here are a few more for your viewing pleasure.

Running heaven? I think so.

Routinely Blogging

I know it really hasn't been an eternity since I blogged last, but I am already feeling a bit of blogger guilt. I know that I broke my blog everyday for a year streak, but I am thinking of re-instating that goal for the sake of forcing me to do it. It feels like a part of my routine is missing, and if it isn't part of my routine I don't ever get to doing it..and before I know it my blog will become just another neglected blog in the blogosphere. I might just have to be an everyday blogger.

If at first you don't succeed..try, try, again?

On another note, So far Germany is treating me well. I finally got a phone yesterday ( iphone 4 Woot! ) so I can now tweet, take pictures, tweet pictures..etc. etc. Hopefully I can get going on my food blog again too. The scenery here is beautiful. You don't know fall colors until you see them in Germany.. ( well I guess I am just used to fall in California ). Pictures will follow soon. Hoping to go to the Farmers market today but that depends on if we get all of our stuff moved into our new place. Pictures are coming soon I promise!

Thanks for your patience :)

Happy Thursday!

Life in Germany: A New Beginning

So here I am blogging from Germany. I made it safe and sound and am slowly adjusting to the time difference. If you are in the U.S. you are sleeping right now. It is still weird to think about. My morning is my friends and family's evening. My evening is my friend and family's morning. It is like a time warp. Awesome.

Anywho, I apologize if this blog is kind of all over the place. I blame the jet lag. I am still trying to speak coherently and complete whole thought processes. I did however manage to do something that I have not done since probably Junior high. I didn't sleep for 24 hours..except there were no sleep overs or scary movies involved. There was however awesome German sightseeing and buying needed kitchen tools. We have gone to nearly every PX and Commissary around here. Doesn't sound like fun? Well it is to me. So yea this is way better than any elementary sleep over. The product is still the same though. Sleep deprived and feeling a little off.

So what is Germany like? You might be wondering...Or, do I like it? Well so far I haven't gotten a huge taste of what real Germany is like. I have mostly just been on American bases so far. But don't worry I plan on branching out and doing a bit more exploring. Do I like it? It is hard to say as of now but I like the scenery and all the awesome fall colors and architecture.

I am starting to settle in a bit. I went for my first run in Germany today. Only five miles just to make sure I don't push myself into a horrid sickness from the lack of sleep and I think I missed a few meals in my time warp from the States to Germany. I love the first run of a new environment. It makes it really exciting to explore new places and get a better understanding of where in the world I am. Now that I have run around base I know how to get to the Commissary, PX, Subway, and the medical clinic all by myself. Yep, I am a big girl now.

Well I am off for now. I have some things I gotta take care of but there will be pictures coming soon. We move into our new place on the 27th. I will give you all a little tour.

Happy Monday! Make it Meatless!

Off To Germany I Go

I only have a half a day left in the States. Today is the big day. Off to Germany I go. I will be in Germany by tomorrow morning. Crazy to think about. All I know is that I want to be there already and wish that it didn't take a whole day to get there. Thinking about the long plane rides ahead of me is daunting. Especially the nine and a half hour one. That is a long time to be packed in a plane like a sardine with a bunch of strangers. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. There is nothing I hate worse than tight spaces and strangers. Put those two together and you have a lethal mix of potential freak out. I just need to focus on the goal.

I just can't wait to finally get to Frankfurt Airport and see my husband. He is only a day away.

I Hate Goodbyes

I have so much to do today before I leave tomorrow that it is starting to make my stomach turn and my head ache. I am terrified to forget something, and plane rides still give me the unfortunate memory of getting the flu while aboard.

Perhaps the thing stressing me out the most is the fact that I have to say goodbye to my friends and family. I am hanging out with my best friends today for the last time in years, and cooking the last dinner for my family. It makes me sad just thinking about it and I really just want to enjoy my last day with them. I am going to miss them so much!

It will also be my last day running my everyday running route, I just want to soak up all of the lasts of the day and really enjoy them despite the stresses of packing and having a really long day ahead of me tomorrow.

I hate goodbyes.

Germany Here I Come!

It is really strange not to be blogging everyday. Unfortunately I still don't have a whole lot to talk about...except.. I AM FINALLY LEAVING FOR GERMANY! Yep Friday Oct. 22nd. My flight leaves from Sacramento at 8:20am. From there I fly to Ft. Worth Texas, then it's a straight shot to Germany...only a 9 hour and 25 minute flight. You know it is going to be a long flight when they serve you dinner and breakfast on the same flight. Least there is a movie?

At least the flight will be shorter than the process it took to get my ticket. Good Lord. I think the lady was on crack..or should have been. One week, two trips to the ER and two days later she finally got me my plane tickets. Thank you Jesus.

All I know is that I can't wait to finally see my husband and enjoy life in Europe. If anything else goes wrong or prolongs this process I might scream. ( most likely through twitter ).

Happy Blogging

I must say it is quite a relief to not have to blog EVERYDAY. I guess I can truly say I am glad I failed this time. Blogging just isn't meant to be a chore.

I am still waiting on a date for when I am leaving for Germany. I am waiting on either the lady from Beale to give me an itinerary or for Eric to get me tickets. Nothing has happened on either side yet. I would love it if I could finally know the exact date I am leaving. I am so done sitting and waiting.

On a better note, it is meatless Monday. Hopefully I can get can a good meatless meal on my blog tonight. I didn't have time to make a Farmer's Market dinner this weekend. It was a crazy weekend but tonight I  am thinking Indian. It's a little chilly here and nothing warms you up better than curry.

Happy Meatless Monday!

Spent

I have a lot of emotions and feelings to express right now, but I know that no matter what I do, or how hard I try that I can't. I don't have the emotional energy to even try. I have nothing left.

I'm spent.

Blogging Fail

I forgot to blog yesterday. I wish I could say it was because I got lost in the woods on my morning run but that definitely wasn't the case. I was helping my parents get a garage sale together and went to bed asap due to my lack of sleep from having a cats ass in my face all night long.

So as of today... I have two choices.

I can either #1 limit my blogging to 3 times per week in order to focus more on quality instead of quantity.

#2 Attempt the blog everyday for a year deal again with today as the starting date.

#4 phase out this blog and merge together www.everythingimnot.com and www.amberhaas.com somehow.

What do you all think?

Search and Rescue

I am watching Hells Kitchen Right now...I almost forgot to blog...but here I am. I am also housesitting. It is kind of creepy staying all alone in an unfamiliar place. Hopefully I don't die. I must say that I love the location of this place though. It is a lot closer to downtown, and to awesome running trails. I am going to attempt the trails tomorrow but I might chicken out and stick to the roads. I just don't want to get lost and end up on the 5:00 news having to be rescued for not being able to find my way out of a paper bag.

Wish me luck.

If I don't blog by 10:00pm tomorrow you know what happened.

Day Dreaming

You would think that after watching Kitchen Nightmares I would be completely turned off about starting up a restaurant someday...but actually, it is quite the opposite. I guess you could say that I am learning from other people's mistakes, and taking in the tips that Gordon Ramsay gives them. Of course it is still reality TV and you have to keep up a filter of what is real and what is fake but here are some things that I have learned so far...

1. Being in debt blows, and can lead to suicide.

2. Location, Location, Location.

3. Not only does the food have to be good, but it HAS to be fresh. That one is kind of a no-brainer but apparently some restaurant owners failed to realize this before their visit with Ramsay.

4. Good Service = happy customers. No one likes to wait..or to have their food come out wrong.

5. You need a good team. Management can make a world of difference. A restaurant team that gets along and can work in an efficient organized manner is key.

6. You gotta know what you are doing.

Number six leads me to ponder. I would have no idea what I was doing at this point. Luckily I am not planning on opening a restaurant anytime soon, and I couldn't even if I wanted to. But if the time comes that I could actually reach this goal somewhere down the road I would do whatever I could to make sure it would be a success. One of my problems is that although I have a passion for food and cooking, I have a hate for crunching numbers. The whole business part would not be as fun for me...which obviously could be a bit of a problem. I suck at math...so either I study business or find a very trustworthy person to do the dirty work for me. That could be rough.

Anyways, so lets say somewhere down the road I get to open my restaurant. Where will it be located? What kind of food would I serve? Well, I would say that I wouldn't mind opening up a restaurant somewhere in old town Auburn. I love it there. Lots of competition however. As for the food, and style of the restaurant..well I am still thinking on that one. To be determined...

List Making

I am leaving soon..I am still not too sure when but there are a few things that I need to accomplish before I head off to Germany. So here is a list of things I would like to accomplish.

1. Run on the Western States Trail - How could I have lived in Auburn all of these years and never done this? It's pathetic.

2. Make vegetarian tamales

3. Make a Farmers Market dinner for more people than just my family.

to be continued...

Boring Sundays

I think my Gordon Ramsay TV show addiction is growing to an unhealthy level. Except I have learned a few things from watching Kitchen Nightmares. It has shown me that I need to be super prepared and educated if I am ever able to open my own restaurant. I definitely do not want to end up hundreds and thousands of dollars in debt. Just thinking about that makes me feel claustrophobic. I can't imagine the suffocating feeling being that in debt would bring. Yuk.

Anyways..it is Sunday afternoon...I don't know what it is about Sunday afternoons but they are always boring...there is nothing to do. Sunday evenings are another story though. Hello The Next Iron Chef. Can't. Wait.

I am still waiting on a leave date for Germany, but I am hoping to find out by tomorrow. It will be soon though! I can feel it.

Happy Sunday

Brain Fart

I had something in mind to blog about at some point this afternoon but I completely forgot what it was. So much so that I can't really think of anything to blog about really...Technically I already blogged so my brain is already done for the night.

Check out my other blog. It's Tasty. www.amberhaas.com 

Getting Closer

All our stuff is packed. The movers came, re-packed all of our stuff and drove away with it. Off to Germany it goes, and off to Germany I go. I called the Airforce base that is about 30 miles away and all I had to do is send in travel orders through e-mail and then they are going to hook me up with plane tickets. Um, awesome. No trip down a seemingly endless windy road out into the middle of nowhere. I sent in my stuff but I am assuming the lady got to busy to get my ticket for me...monday I suppose. I wonder when I will be leaving.

I could go into greater detail of today's near dramatic event but I woke up at 3:30am so that I could eat breakfast and run before having to go to our storage unit. Soo there is a little fog in my brain. Tomorrow is another early morning because it is Farmer's Market Day! My favorite day of the week. How on earth is it already the weekend? Time flies.

Happy Friday!

Wait and See

Oh my. Things are suddenly moving so quickly. The movers are coming tomorrow to move our stuff from the storage unit. I hope that means our stuff will get there semi-soon. That would be awesome. I just have to get my plane ticket. I was going to go get them today but before I went I got a phone call from Ft. Irwin asking me if I had received my orders and that I have my passport and etc. She informed me that I might not be able to get my tickets through the Airforce because they have been having problems with bases not wanting to Honor other branches orders. Great. So, I will be calling the base tomorrow to see what the verdict is.

On another note. I am going to miss my friends a lot. I got to have lunch with them today. I am really going to miss that. I won't see them or their little ones for four years. The next time I see them their babies will no longer be babies...and the saddest part of all is that they won't remember me.

I am looking forward to see what Germany has in store for me. I am nervous, and I have my fears but there is no use fearing the unknown. I hate wasting energy on anxiousness, which I tend to do a lot. The only thing to do is just wait and see, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Scared

It would be a lie if I said I wasn't afraid of moving to Germany right now. I am not your average Army wife. I don't have kids yet, I am not into gossip, and I still have goals and ambitions of my own. Of course I want to support my husband but that doesn't mean I have to let my dreams die right? I guess what I am trying to say is that I am afraid to get to Germany and have nothing to do. Sure I could work at the PX, or the commissary but that is 4 years of going nowhere toward my goal. There will be no internships, and no culinary school to attend. What if I just get stuck in the time warp...what if time just stays still. What if I feel lonely? I know my husband will be there...but he is going to be busy. What if he is too busy for me? I won't have friends to occupy free time, or family to visit with.

I'm scared.

The Black Forest

I must say today was a pretty good day. I got some closure on some things and I am excited to head to Europe. I still have my anxiety's ( mostly about crazy terrorists ) and I am going to miss my friends and family but I am ready for some new adventures and to get back to my husband. Hey maybe I will have something exciting to blog about?

I am excited to experience Germany's culture. Especially their food. ( minues the meat ). I think the first place I want to go is a place called the Black Forest. It just so happens that they film this awesome show that I have been watching on Hulu there. I think enjoy it every morning while I eat my bowl of oatmeal. I think you might enjoy it too... Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you. Cuisine of The Black Forest with Chef Walter Staib.

Ah!

For whatever reason, blogger/google is down right now and it is totally bumming me out. I am not going to let it break my year long blog streak. Just in case it doesn't come back up by tonight I am counting this as a blog even though it didn't get posted. It is indeed October 4, 2010.

Anyways, I had a fun day today. I got to go to Chipotle for lunch with my mom. OH chipotle I am going to miss your vegetarian tacos and addictive guacamole. Then we headed over to Sur La Table where I used the rest of my gift card to purchase a rolling case for my knife, and future knives. I love going there. I love drooling over all of the all-clad pots and pans, the never-ending collection of chef's knives, cookbooks, and fancy schmancy blenders and food processors. I love it all.

Perhaps the most adventures part of the day was going to an Indian Market. The place smelled like a mixture of curry and dirty ass cheeks. They had a seemingly never ending supply of rice and lentils which is heaven to a vegetarian but it looked like it had been sitting there since the Y2K scare. Out of pure guilt of being in the store shmoozing we didn't want to leave the empty store equally empty handed. We ended up leaving with a big bag of turmeric and split mung beans. I know what is for dinner tomorrow…and the next day…maybe if I go to Germany smelling like curry I can ward off any terrorist attacks.

That's it for tonight, I am going to watch some Kitchen Nightmares and head to bed.

Happy Monday, hope it was meatless! 

God Help Me

I am baking some apple pie right now. Yup, don't be jealous. Seriously don't. It's healthy and I would guess about 99% of you wouldn't like it...but it contains no refined sugars, a gluten free crust, and apples picked from the tree in our own backyard. Fresh and healthy. Tasty..to be decided.

Anyways, I am hoping at some point this week to be able to find out my official leave date. Of course I have to travel to Europe just as they are warning Americans about traveling to Europe and within Europe. Seeing as I have had a bit of a lucky streak and won two contests in a row, I am a little terrified. I am never fortunate enough to win anything without Karma coming back to kick me in the ass...or kill me in an unfortunate terrorist attack. It's amazing how people like Osama Bin Laden who live in caves can plan such intricate attacks. You would think their only attack could be to throw rocks, or burn each other's turbans. God help me.

Better Day

Today was a better day. I got to see my food getting sampled out at the farmers market, and I am looking forward to going to Germany and finally being able to see my husband. I might freeze though. It is already cold there, and still hot here.

I am kind of at loss for words considering I am distracted by a Saturday night movie called Canvas. I have never seen it before, didn't intend on watching it, but it unwillingly has my attention.

For some reason it brings back memories Sunday night Tv. I miss shows like Walker Texas Ranger and  Touched by An Angel. I used to love those shows. Thanks to my brother graduating from Liberty University in VA I got to to see Chuck Norris himself give the commencement speech. Yea thats right Chuck Norris.

Anyways...I think I am going to end this here. Here is a little preview of what I got at the Farmers market.

I love Chard it's pretty

Just a Little Sting

I still have to admit, I don't feel like talking or blogging, but for your sake, I will try.

So it's official now. I am leaving for Germany in the very near future. All I have to do is ship the car and get my plane ticket. For all I know I could be leaving by next week. I am a little nervous. It will be quite a change in environment, and the language barrier could be potentially harmful to my vegetarian diet. I will feel way out of my element. Not to mention it is an eight hour time difference. Eight whole hours! Do you know what that means? Well, that means that if you are a morning pooper, you will be pooping at night. Yep that is what an eight hour time difference can do to you.

All of our stuff will be in storage still when I arrive so as far as the kitchen utensils go, I will also be out of my element. I do have my new knife though, and there is no way I am leaving my baby behind. I think I will have to get a case for it so it will fit as snug and safe as Jesus in the manger.

I have a lot of things to get done. One of them being telling Jinny at Tsuda's that I can't be her next intern after all. It stings just thinking about it. I had a hard time looking at cookbooks yesterday at Barnes and Noble, and that is one of my favorite things to do. Even seeing Tsuda's menu lying on the kitchen table makes my heart sink a little. I know that this one opportunity shouldn't make or break my passion and career dreams in the culinary profession but it will definitely be in the back of my mind. I am afraid that Germany will not have anything to offer me as far as that goes. Not only do I not speak German, but I don't eat meat. I think I am SOL in the culinary department.

I am looking forward to seeing my husband though. It has been way too long. It never feels good to spend 6 months a part from a loved one. Least he probably forgot how annoying I am by now. It is time for me to remind him.

What's Wrong?

If someone sat in front of me right now, and asked me "whats wrong?" I would reply, I don't feel like talking about it. Which leads me to say, I don't feel like blogging about it. Or really blogging about anything actually.

I will say that I am excited for Saturday though. In case you missed my blog about it, they will be sampling my recipe at the Farmer's Market. Yay!

One more day until the weekend,

Happy Thursday!

I Win? Again?

My recent luck has extended itself to yet another win. Only, I am a little more proud of this one because this wasn't a random drawing. Remember that recipe Easy Mexican Millet that I entered into the Farmers Market monthly recipe contest? Well it won. I know, shocker. Not only do I get the awesome title of "winner" but I get a $50 voucher for the farmers market and my food is going to be sampled there from 9am-11am. So if you are in the area, come taste my food :)

Another lucky happening in my life is that I just got an e-mail 30 minutes ago telling me I landed an internship at Tsuda's in downtown Auburn. It is basically like free culinary school. It is a bittersweet feeling as there could be some issues with having to leave for Germany. I want to be happy, but instead I am just anxious. It is a huge opportunity for me. The head Chef is amazing. She gets me in a way that no employer has since I worked at Good Earth. She told me she didn't care that I was quiet, that it was okay because everyone is different, and people just communicate differently. She continued to amaze me with the words that came out of her mouth. She not only cares about her business, but her employees as well. She has the personality that I need in an employer in order not to freak out, build confidence, and be able to grow within myself. I don't know what to do. I guess I probably shouldn't have started the whole process in the first place but I didn't know when I would be leaving yet. Well I still don't know exactly but it seems it might be soon.

Help?

Seriously Hopeless?

What do you do when you feel like you will never reach a certain goal in life? Or that your goals will never be taken seriously? When I say that I want to be a chef, or that I want to cook, and create food for a living I absolutely mean it. I don't see every dinner cooked as just another meal. No matter what I am cooking I am always deeply concentrated, thinking, experimenting, substituting, creating, and I see it as practice. Practice makes perfect right? Ideally, if culinary school was an option I would %100 percent take that route, but unfortunately it's not. Cooking is a type of art...hence the name Culinary Arts. Food is my medium. Would you tell an artist that they were not a real artist because they didn't attend art school? If you learn the skill, don't you think you would deserve the title?

I am in no way saying that I am even close to Chef status, but if I really am never able to make it to Culinary school and end up learning my skills the old fashion way will anyone ever take me seriously? People don't realize it but there are actually a lot of famous chefs that never attended culinary school. Chefs such as:

Tom Colicchio

Mario Batali

Rick Bayless

Gordon Ramsay

The list goes on..but you get the point. I just hope that maybe my dreams are within reach. Give me hope. It's all I ask.

My Lucky Day

If you hadn't already heard, I had a bit of a lucky day. A lucky day worth $200 dollars. I won a contest from a website called www.chow.com it was called the Tweet What You Eat sweepstakes and at the time I was eating homemade pizza..so that is what I tweeted. Sure enough a few days later I got a direct message on twitter saying I was a potential winner. Was this for real? All I had to do was send my contact info..which led to notorizing an affidavit and then after I turned that in, a whole 3 days later I received a pre-paid visa card for $200. Holy Crap.

I thought about it for awhile about what I should get, but then I knew I wanted to get something that I had been wanting and might never get the chance to get unless I took advantage of my luck...so here she is.

Nope one photo is not enough...

I toggled back and forth between this Shun knife and a Wusthof Classic Ikon for a good 45 minutes while chopping up multiple potatoes and carrots at Sur La Table. They were both great knives, the same price,  but in the end, the Shun won me over when I sliced a carrot faster, and easier than I ever have before. I wanted the Wusthof, just because it was a Wusthof...I am moving to Germany after all how could I got to Germany with a Japanese knife? But...I couldn't deny it, the Shun just felt better in my hand. 

So thanks to my lucky day, I was able to get a knife I have been drooling over for a long time. 

I came home and tried it out on dinner. Loved it and am extremely happy with my decision. 

Good day. Good day indeed.

The Big Day

So tomorrow is the day...the day that I walk in to my hopeful place of future internship and turn in my resume ( which I still have to make ) and a filled out application. I mean, I guess I can't screw up too badly considering it is only an internship and not a job...it is not like they will be losing money. I am just someone who is eager to learn..and I hope they see that. I hope that I don't make a fool of myself, or that they can see through the ball of awkwardness that walks in their door tomorrow morning.

I hope everything goes okay...I really want this.

Fear

It was the usual Farmers market Saturday. Only I didn't cook today because my folks had a concert to attend. Tomorrow will be my usual Farmers market cooking day though. I did however, turn in my recipe and they said I should know by Wednesday if I win or not...um I already know the answer to that one and it is a definite no. I did have a bit of luck today but luck and skill or two different things and I don't normally have either.

Another thing I don't have is energy. I am not going to lie, I am tired today. I am also not going to lie and say that I have been getting up at 6:30-7:00am this whole week. It makes me feel like a slacker..and it also makes getting up at 4:00am a little bit harder on Saturdays. I am usually a little bit more tired on the weekends for whatever reason. Maybe it is because I feel disappointed at what I didn't accomplish and have let yet another week go by.

Sometimes I feel like I am letting life get away from me...like it is going to be over before I know it. Especially if I don't push myself to do something, and chase something I am passionate about. Which leads me to the subject of the possible internship I may have at a restaurant in town called Tsuda's. The head chef there is awesome. She has had over 30 years of experience cooking for all types of diets like Macrobiotic, veganism, vegetarian, Ayruveda, etc. Which is everything I am insanely interested in and eager to learn as much as I can. As excited as I am to learn and pursue this internship I am still afraid. Afraid of the unfamiliar environment, people, and how I will handle certain situations...and afraid that it will be yet another thing to dissolve due to my lack of social skills...which usually leads me into a deep hate for myself. The worst part is that no one really understands. So even when I do fail, there is no one to talk to about it because it is something that I was "supposed to grow out of" a long time ago, but unfortunately that didn't happen. In my heart, I feel big enough to conquer the world.  But in my mind, I feel so small. What if I let fear get in the way of my passion?

Recipe Contest

Easy Mexican Millet

Approximate preparation time: 30 minutes

Serves 6

Ingredients
1 cup of millet
2 cups of water
2 tsp. Olive Oil
4 large tomatoes, Diced
1 clove of garlic, minced
2 fresh ears of corn
1 tablespoon of Cumin
1 Cup of Cilantro
Salt
Pepper

1.Bring millet and two cups of water to a boil. Cover and turn down heat until all water is absorbed. ( about 15-20 minutes )

2. In a large skillet heat oil over medium-high heat and add garlic and corn. Sauté for two minutes and then add tomatoes. Season lightly with salt, and pepper and add the cumin. Let simmer for 5 minutes.

3. Remove from heat and add the millet. Mix well and season with salt and pepper to taste. Add in the cilantro and serve.

Yep..this is the recipe I am submitting at the farmers market tomorrow...I never win anything, so I am going to already just say I lose...but I win in that I at least had the guts to enter. I am afraid of losing..so way to conquer that fear right? lol

The Adventures of a 50 Cent Cookbook

I am baking a cookie recipe from this book as I type. It is the second cookie recipe, and the 4th recipe total. I found this book at a local book sale and bought it for 50 cents. If you look closely you will notice that it says Recipes From the Weimar Kitchen. So what is this "Weimar Kitchen"? Well about 20 minutes from here in a town called Weimar (original huh?) there is a wellness institute that has a program called Newstart. Newstart offers a proven alternative to the treatment and prevention of degenerative diseases such as; Atherosclerosis, Coronary heart disease, hypertension, Stress, Obesity, Diabetes, Arthritis, Chronic Pulminary Disease.

Pretty awesome huh? So what does this cookbook consist of? What is it's magic healing potion? Well it is a vegan diet and none of the recipes contain cholesterol, free fat, or refined sugars. So for example..say you are making a pesto. Instead of using olive oil, the recipe would call for whole olives. Pretty awesome concept I would say. You get more fiber and nutrients that way. Go Weimar. So for these cookies there is also no refined sugar. I will leave you the recipe below. Because upon this tasty bite I would say the are quite cookielicious.

Perhaps the most surprising thing is that this book was published in 1992, before I even knew what nutrition was, and the institute is run by Christians. (Christians love their meat ). You really don't come across many vegan christians. Technically I think they are 7th Day Adventists though, which maybe I should just be a 7th Day Adventist huh? These people were way ahead of our times and this cookbook looks like it could of been published yesterday. ( minus the awesome yellow pages and 90's clipart.)  I think another thing that drew me to this book is that I remember my friends mom used to cook out of it occasionally and take cooking classes from Weimar. Back then of course I was taught that it was a weird place to go and laughed at my friend for having black bean burgers for dinner. Little did I know that I was missing out. 

Check out these sparklin tubnotes

Yep delish Sooo for the recipe.

Okay so I made a few Alterations...
Column #1
1 1/4 cup water
1 cup of raw cashews or walnuts
1 Cup of pitted dates
2 teaspoons of Vanilla
1/2 teaspoon of salt

Column #2
1 1/4 cup Sourghum flour or brown rice flour ( I did this to make it gluten free but you can use whole wheat flour )
1 cup carob chips ( I just used vegan/gluten free chocolate chips )
1 Cup of raisins

Blend cashews and water until very smooth, then add remaining ingredients in first column and continue blending until very smooth. Pour into a mixing bowl and add remaining ingredients. Mix well. Drop by tablespoon onto sprayed cookie sheets. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. ( you might need to adjust that )

Try them! I know they are super weird and I was skeptic myself...but they are good. I promise.

Happy Baking!

Hand Jig

I know my past like 5 posts have been completely mindless but I just can't get over this video. You might have already seen it but if you haven't, you are in for a treat. Enjoy

Show?

I am watchin the biggest loser. Season 10! Why do I love this show... well it is inspiring. Everyone can use a little inspiration once in awhile. Sure, I don't have a hundred pounds to lose but the inspiration to this show does not have to solely be for weight loss.

I am kind of in a brain fog right now. I am distracted by Bob's odd shaped head and Jillian's stink face. I still love them though.

Some of the stories of the contestants are so sad. I think I am way to distracted to keep on blogging.

What show are you looking forward to this fall?

Laziness...

So I would totally bog something meaningful and entertaining but...well that never happens but here is a short little video I put together tonight for your viewing pleasure.

Enjoy!

Warning: Not For The Squeamish

I was on my way to cooking up some Moong Dal A.K.A these nutritious little buggers...

But lets just say the last picture I took was this...

Yea... so I was slicing up an onion preparing to dice it and noticed the placement of my hand. I thought to myself..."I am so going to chop my finger off someday"...then literally two seconds later BAM. I looked at my finger and instantly knew this would be a bleeder. If anyone needed my DNA well it's in the kitchen. Go for it, there is probably enough for a whole blood panel.

Like the dork I am I was intrigued by the awesome contrast of blood in a white kitchen sink and couldn't resist getting out my SLR and snapping multiple pictures. ( Is that weird? ) I wanted to freak out for about 5 minutes but I knew that dinner must be finished, and back to work I went.

I managed to finish up my Moong Dal with Pulao and Raita. Pulao is a rice dish with peas, sunflower seeds, and raisins. Raita is a yogurt with cucumber and other spices like curry, tumeric, and cinnamon. These are some of the dishes we learned to make in the Indian cooking class I went to last Wednesday. It was a hit at the dinner table but I failed to take a picture of the finished dish. Next time I suppose. I even managed to clean up the crime scene

This was only half of it.  How do you get blood off of your shoe?

Saturdays...

I love Saturdays. Why? Two words. Farmers market and cooking. It doesn't get much better than that. Except for maybe tomorrow because I have some awesome Indian recipes that I am going to try.

Honestly I am tired of blogging at this moment because I just wrote a blog..on my other blog. So If you feel like hearing more from me tonight ( which I doubt ) then go to www.amberhaas.com

Happy Saturday!

Chai Anyone?

Wow. I almost forgot to blog tonight. Not that anyone would of noticed but my day would have become totally unbalanced and my life would come crumbling down. Okay maybe not but that would suck.

I just got done watching 2 of my favorite shows. Top Chef the finale episode that I recorded due to being at a cooking class and being intrigued by Ayruvedic cooking. The outcome was unexpected that is for sure...

The other more new favorite of mine is called Thinnervention on Bravo with none other than Trainer Jackie Warner. Which I think someone forgot to Warn her ( what? a pun? ) that having awesome abs requires you to never wear a shirt on TV.

So Jackie What exactly is the secret to these fabulous abdominals? Specifically the rectus abdominals?

Is it your magic protein shake?

Hmm nope. Honestly it isn't really a secret. Or if it is..then I know what the secret is. If you are ever looking to look like Jackie Warner you have to be willing to WORK YOUR ASS OFF. I think that should be the Title of her book. It is all about intensity. Book covers and magazine covers can be very deceiving. They say "read me and you will look like this." But the reality is..work your ass off and you might get close to looking like this. You will not get this way with a 30 minute walk 5 days a week, a strict low calorie diet without exercise, or basically any exercise that does not make you feel miserable at least once and awhile. Trainers will not tell you that. Why? Well because they don't want you to get discouraged, and people are not willing to feel uncomfortable, or to feel pain. Who wants to put themselves in pain? Well it won't always be painful and afterwards you feel like a million bucks. The more painful the workout, the better and more accomplished you feel after. It is definitely confidence building to know that you can get through something so tough. But like I said, people usually are not willing to experience any pain or suffering to reach their goals...or imaginary goals. 

Protein shakes will not give you abs, not meat, not tofu, and nope not even vegetables. Only you can give you abs. Of course diet is important but you always have to have both diet and exercise. It won't work with just one. 

Why the hell am I talking about this?

My ex-health blogger has surfaced at a very strange time. Perhaps it is because I started blogging about health when Jackie's original show Workout premiered on Bravo. Oddly enough that show is what inspired me to become a personal trainer. Well here I am now. A personal trainer..who ironically doesn't do any personal training. I find it a bit frustrating truthfully. People expect so much out of you when really the key to their success is in their hands. It is in your hands people! 

Ok I am ranting. I think I drank to much Chai Tea. I have a new love of homemade Chai Tea. It's good stuff.

I'm done typing.

TGIF :) 

Checking Out

I was hit by a chocolate chip cookie craving this evening...so of course I ran out to the store to get some chocolate chips. There is no denying a chocolate chip cookie craving. After I picked up my trusty gluten free/vegan chocolate chips and a few other breakfast items I headed to the checkout. There is nothing I hate more than a grocery store without a self check out. There is the first eye contact awkwardness and the where do I put my basket without looking like ajerk scenario...the  search for the conveyor belt item separator, and then of course the initial meet and greet with your clerk. "Hi, how are you?" Is the most common of greetings heard...I wonder how many times they have said these four words in just one hour. Regardless, I always respond "good how are you?" I wonder how many times they have been asked that...or why anyone even bothers. Even if they were not "good" what else could they say? They just want to get you out of their hair is fast as possible.

Then when the bag boy comes into play you get the option of choosing "paper? or plastic?" Seeing as paper is more environmentally friendly and doubles as a dog poop bag, I always choose paper. But the problem with choosing paper is how awkward it can be to say the word paper. I mean, you want to be friendly..but have you ever tried to say the word paper with a friendly tone of voice? It is almost impossible without sounding like a pre-pubescent boy. Say it right now in your friendliest tone. I will be the bagger and you the customer. "Paper or Plastic?" now say paper in a friendly joyful manner. Notice the near voice crack at the end? Is it just me? Paper may be environmentally friendly but not so voice tone friendly. 

See these are the things that go through a socially retarded person's mind as they go to the grocery store. It gets even better when you have to buy feminine products...

Of course self check out machines can get a little awkward too. I once had a friend who tried to buy condoms through self check only to have her 20 dollar swallowed up by the machine without spitting out any change. The clerk came over to assist her but she decided that 20 dollars wasn't worth the embarrassment, grabbed the condoms and ran. I would of done the same. Lesson #1 make the man buy his own dick slippers. Lesson #2 don't buy condoms through self checkout. Buy them at gas stations like real classy people. Duh. 

What is the thing you hate most about store checkouts?

Cooking Up a Diagnosis

I just got home from an awesome cooking class from a local restaurant called Tsuda's. The class was on Indian cooking and healing and I learned about a little something called Ayurveda. What is Ayurveda? Well it's hard to explain so I guess that is what Wikipedia is for...This is what Mr. Wiki has to say about it...Ayurveda (Sanskrit: आयुर्वेद; Āyurveda, the "science of life") Ayurvedic medicine is a system of traditional medicine native to the Indian subcontinent^[1] and practiced in other parts of the world as a form of alternative medicine.^[2] In Sanskrit, the word ayurveda consists of the wordsāyus, meaning "longevity", and veda, meaning "related to knowledge" or "science".^[1] Evolving throughout its history, ayurveda remains an influential system of medicine in South Asia.^[3


I love learning about different cultures, foods, and practices of medicine and health. The food we prepared was excellent and I just want to dive deep into learning more about Indian spices and culture. Because there are so many different spices used in Indian cooking I often find myself intimidated by it. I am an indecisive person so a cuisine that offers an abundance of spice options leaves me feeling a bit overwhelmed...but the taste is so worth it, and I can't wait to cook with more of these spices. 


Speaking of learning...the head chef and part owner of the restaurant was the one teaching this class...and I may have just opened an opportunity for an internship. She said to come back in a couple of days to fill out an application and talk with her and Alex ( the other owner ). This sounds great but there are two problems here. #1 I might be leaving soon. #2 I can't see myself going in there asking to talk to them without making a stammering fool of myself. I never get to do anything I am passionate about because when it comes to things I am passionate about it is then that I freeze up the most. I care so much about it that I freeze like a deer in the headlights. Passion to me cannot be expressed through words. (spoken words ) The only way I can express it is through action but when it comes to interviews...people usually don't let me get that far. It is a very discouraging feeling that I experience all too often. I am a horrible people person. Like, really, really horrible.  


I can't stop thinking about what a great opportunity an internship would be. Unfortunately it is bad timing and I need to learn how to talk like a big girl. *sigh* I really hate my brain. Really, really hate it. Is there a diagnosis for this besides nut job?